A few years ago, I went to an incredible wedding. It was a biggie, probably the largest I’ve ever been to, with hundreds of people and a 10m high wall of roses. But of all the extravagant details, it’s the groom’s speech I remember most vividly.
When speaking about his new bride, he observed that in most relationships there is a Giver and a Taker. “I’m a Giver myself,” he noted (truthfully), “and so is Michelle. In the past, we’ve each always gone out with Takers.” The newlyweds locked eyes at that point and grinned at each other before he continued. “I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to be in a relationship where there are two Givers. It’s a revelation for us both and I highly recommend it.”
It did sound pretty great, all that mutual giving. A Give-Fest. Imagine that. As the groom wrapped up his speech and my mind did a few calculations regarding my own Give/Take relationship history, I noticed a few elbows jabbing into ribs among the married guests at our table.
The rest of the evening was a revelation of a different kind as verbal skirmishes broke out between couples determined to establish who was The Taker and who was The Giver. There was much jockeying for position.
“I’m SO The Giver”, I heard one woman insist to her husband as we passed them on the dance floor. “Yeah, totally” he replied while rolling his eyes, “You give to yourself.” And then she hit him. Affectionately. I think.
With some couples, the starring role of Taker and the less flashy, supporting role of Giver are very clearly defined. From the outside, anyway (think about the couples you know). And it’s fair to say those roles don’t necessarily remain static. Over time, they can ebb and flow, influenced by a million external factors like kids, work, stress, money and health. Sometimes? You just don’t have much to give. Sometimes, your tank is empty.
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The Quicky
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I'm a giver but sometimes to the extent that it's self destructive - I say yes to things I really don't want to do or give away things I love because someone else says they like them. In many other ways I am a total pain in the arse but I like to think I'm a good friend/wife/mother in this respect.
My husband is a taker BUT he tries so hard to be a giver it's hard not to love him! So he's sort of a self-aware taker, and able to have a laugh at his various "needs".
Now, on the topic of taker friends, I have come to realise after a 15 year friendship with an EXTREME self centered taker that if you are a giver, you can not in fact eradicate these takers from your life. An extreme selfish act will prompt the "That was the final straw" comment to various friends and relatives, who will all nod and smile because they've heard it before. A week passes, you feel bad that this taker really doesn't have that many close friends. They've been your friend for so long, it would be a shame to waste that history. Blah blah blah you're calling them asking what they're up to.
I think everyone knows someone draining like this who somehow manages to keep people around. It's a strange phenomenon as most of the time these people are completely unaware of how intensely difficult they are!
I am incredibly lucky to have a number of friends who are 'givers' in every sense of the world. They'll surprise me and my other friends with a flower or chocolates "just because" or offer to wash up when they know one of us is super tired and stressed. The actions of these friends remind me to always be thankful and to give back whenever I can- for who can say they will never need to 'take' when feeling sad, low or angry.