My secret shame: loving Lara Bingle.

By ALISSA WARREN

Every piece of media commentary and societal peer pressure tells me that as an adult heterosexual woman, I should not be among Lara Bingle’s fan base.

There are many reasons for this, most notably that I don’t want to have sex with her but also that she doesn’t really…..stand for anything. She participates enthusiastically in her own objectification. She doesn’t really use her fame to help a cause or advance a message or even to have a point of view. She’s just……hot. That’s pretty much her sole reason for being. Well, at least her reason for being famous.

But here’s the thing: I love her. In fact, I love Lara Bingle a lot and I’m not sure if I love her in an ironic way or whether I just love her. She’s my guilty pleasure. Like eating Ben & Jerry’s straight out of the tub with a spoon even though I know I should be putting something more nutritious into my body. Like quinoa or kale. But goddamn that Choc Chip Cookie Dough is goooood.

So, tell me: should I be embarrassed by my love of Lara?

While you consider your response,  let me count the ways in which she brings me joy:

1. Those boobs.

In the past 24 hours, I have gazed at a series of papparazzi shots taken of Lara at the beach in the nudie-patooty for an inordinate amount of time. Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. The internet pretty much broke within seconds of their release yesterday. Hands behind her head, bosoms bouncing, nude on the towel.

I’ve never been one to marvel at breasts. I’m not a bloke, I’m not a lesbian. Personally, I’ve always thought the sexual appeal of breasts was a bit of a mystery.

But there’s no other word to describe Lara’s breasts than – magnificent.

Real, fake, pregnant. I honestly don’t care. They’re wonderful. Go, girl.

2. Her hair. 

I used to think it was a teenage thing. You know? Caring about good hair.

After all – it’s when you’re a teenager that having great hair really counts. Young girls always have beautiful hair. It’s the stuff hair ribbons were MADE for.

But Lara? She has retained her perfect beautiful hair beyond adolescence and no matter what she does with it – it works. If she wears it out. In a pony. Short. Long. Wavy. Straight. It’s all working.

3. The authenticity 

Models and celebrities are constantly trying to show us how smart they are. “I’m not just a pretty face” they cry while ostentatiously brandishing Stephen Hawkin’s latest book or giving their opinions on Dafur. Lara does not do this. She knows that her appeal lies in the way she looks and she seems totally cool with that.

A year or two ago, Lara was in some legal trouble. She broke the law. She was caught speeding. She drove without a license. She didn’t appear in court. I felt she thought she was a little … well … entitled. But, now it feels like she’s turning that around? Now she’s just back to being sexy and sweet. A simple pleasure. Sort of like a bellini and boy do I like bellinis.

5. Sam Worthington. 

Yes, please. Lara recently told Elle magazine that, “at night, Sam reads Shakespeare to me. It’s amazing because his voice is like, the ultimate”. Well, that’s the most wonderfully naff thing I’ve ever heard. More, please.

6. Instagram. 

She posts photos that come ever-so-close to making me feel completely crap about myself. But they’re a smidge away from making me feel totally worthless.

When I see Jennifer Hawkins’ Insta posts, I feel ugh about myself. When I see Lindy Klim’s Insta posts, I feel like a terribly boring, average person compared with her insane life. Not their problem and not their fault. I know, I know. I’m just telling you how they make me feel.

But when I see Lara Bingle’s Insta posts, I feel only a teency bit rubbish and – pretty much – the only thing I’m thinking is: “she looks amazing … and normal”.

Yes, she looks amazing. Healthy. Glowing. Gorgeous.

A model who isn’t a size 0. I’m up for that.

7. She dusts herself off. 

Lara Bingle has been slammed more times than Brynne Edelsten and Gabi Grecko COMBINED. But every time, she gets back up. I don’t know if it’s because she doesn’t have anything else to do. Or because she doesn’t know she’s getting slammed. Or because she chooses to ignore the slamming. Whatever it is, I don’t care. Because she refuses to be down and out, she refuses to give into the hate.

Snaps to you, LB.

My love affair goes on. I shall continue this act of secretly (now publicly) loving the Bingle. I invite you to do the same.