By BERN MORLEY
The subject of childbirth came up recently at a BBQ I was at. Well, more specifically, I was trying to re-create the Malteasers advert where the pregnant lady gets her bump to “kick” a Malteaser from her belly like a soccer ball.
Unfortunately, I was low on Malteasers and as such, after rifling through one of the children’s party bags, could only find a Chico Baby. So, my friend Jodi sat back (she’s 38 weeks pregnant) and I placed a lone Chico baby on her blossoming stomach.
She’s one of those annoyingly radiant women and all you see is baby, no excess fat, nothing but a baby wrapped in skin fronting some organs. So of course, we saw that baby almost sniff out that Chico baby out and go nuts. Unfortunately, this, along with giving us great entertainment, also gave her mild contractions. All fun and games until someone goes into labour.
And labour. SO. MUCH. FUN. Right?
Sarcasm. I need a sarcasm font.
To me, the only thing worse than going through childbirth again would be to hear that Human Nature are planning on releasing another Motown record.
And don’t get me wrong, I understand why there has to be pain. I mean let’s face it, we are dilating (opening) a closed hole to a hole that is 10cms in circumference (try that with your anus guys and I think you’ll get the gist). I also recognise the fact that, after it’s all over, I was so god damned proud of myself that even the fact that a bow-tied, odd looking doctor I’ve never seen before was stitching up my vagina, I’d never been happier. Doesn’t mean I want to partake EVER again.
And for the record, I’ve given birth naturally 3 times. With no drugs. This is due to one thing and one thing, only. They wouldn’t GIVE me any. And I say that with the utmost respect to all midwives who are wonderful, inspiring ladies (and men). They clearly knew I could do it without them, even though all three times, I felt like I would rather rip my own eyeballs out with my fingertips than go through one more contraction.
We got talking about the labour room on the weekend, and the fact that this time, I might get to go in with my girlfriend and see her have this baby. I am very excited, having never been down “that end” before.