By ROSIE WATERLAND
Nobody panic but kissing is on the decline in Australia.
According to recent reports, pash rash from beards has reached epidemic proportions, and women are turning down prickly kisses in droves. Millions of Australians are wandering the street, untouched by the intimate moistness of another’s lips on theirs.
KEEP CALM EVERYONE.
There are some distressing statistics available that have led commentators to identify this shocking new anti-kissing trend. According to a very important and scientific survey commissioned by Gillette (you know, the go to guys on all demographic and sociological trends):
In a survey of over 1,000 Australians aged 18-39, over 50% of women surveyed admitted that stubble has caused them to avoid intimately kissing a man. The threat of ‘pash rash’ is so rife that Australian women actually have avoidance tactics in place. Almost two thirds of women (61%) have knocked back a man with stubble bluntly explaining that stubble causes irritation to the skin.
Wow. Those are some impressive sounding numbers. And the problem is so important, there’s even a video to help explain the complicated statistics. Please remain calm and try not to panic during viewing:
OH GOD WHAT DO WE DO?
First of all, we need to get to the bottom of the problem.
Is it really just beards that are to blame? Or could there be another causation factor lurking, as yet unidentified by the mainstream media, scientists and dating website experts.
According to a Professional Kissing Expert on Legitimate Kissing Surveys That Produce Important Results (AKA me), there are many other potential causes for our nation’s anti-kissing epidemic.
Why would we exclusively blame beards when there’s so many other possible explanations for this serious problem?
For example: Boat people. Or The Rising Cost Of Living. NAPLAN.
Maybe Rupert Murdoch? Climate change and/or The Carbon Tax. And I’m pretty sure Ju-LIAR must have had something to do with it.
Whatever or whomever is to blame for the most serious problem facing our nation today, clearly we need to drop everything else we’re working on and collectively focus on righting this epic wrong.
The education system can wait, health care improvements pale in comparison – how do we make sure there is no longer a decline in kissing? HOW?
Obviously, Mamamia has reached out to Prime Minister Tony Abbott’s office for comment. We’re yet to hear back, but I’m sure as soon as his people read these frightening statistics, he will dedicate his first term in office to fixing this distressing problem. Forget stopping the boats. How about kick-starting the kissing, Tony? Priorities, man.
Abbott will certainly have to reorganise the budget to make sure we have enough funds to figure out exactly why kissing is on the decline and just what we should be doing about it. Maybe a mandatory quota is the answer. Maybe we need a razor blade led stimulus package? Or legislative reform to require single people to chew more gum?
I just don’t know.
So I’m going to leave this one in the safe and capable hands of our country’s leaders.
All I will say is this: On behalf of every Australian citizen, I’d like to sincerely thank the people who commissioned this important kissing survey. It’s upsetting to think we went so long without knowing such a serious problem was affecting the Australian people. This will surely go down as one of the darkest periods in our history.
It is just so lucky we were alerted to the statstics before it was too late.