Recently an Australian blogger, Rich Wisken, boarded a plane and was seated next to an overweight man.
After the flight, Wisken wrote a complaint a letter to Jetstar – the airline he was flying with from Perth to Sydney – and that letter has been picked up all over the world and has gone viral.
In his words, Wisken said the man he sat next to smelt like “the decaying anus of a deceased homeless man” and who apparently was as large as an “infant hippopotamus”.
Believe me when I say, I am cherry picking the least offensive part of this story right now.
See, the problem is that Wisken may have forgotten that he was talking about an actual human being when he wrote his letter to Jetstar. And by starting off for some reason, by offending the French and their sex workers, he writes:
Do you like riddles? I do, that’s why I’m starting this letter with one. What weighs more than a Suzuki Swift, less than a Hummer and smells like the decaying anus of a deceased homeless man? No idea? How about, what measures food portions in kilograms and has the personal hygiene of a French prostitute? Still nothing? Right, one more try. What’s fat as fuck, stinks like shit and should be forced to purchase two seats on a Jetstar flight? That’s right, it’s the man I sat next to under on my flight from Perth to Sydney yesterday.”
Wisken then goes on to explain that even though he paid an extra twenty five bucks for an emergency seat, he soon realised that the spare leg room he thought he’d score, was being taken up by a travelling companion that he was instantly offended by upon sight.
“Soon after I managed to burrow into my seat, I caught what was to be the first of numerous fetid whiffs of body odour. His scent possessed hints of blue cheese and Mumbai slum, with nuances of sweaty flesh and human faeces sprayed with cologne – Eau No. Considering I was visibly under duress, I found it strange that none of the cabin crew offered me another seat. To be fair, it’s entirely possible that none of them actually saw me.”
Wisken wasn’t going to take his fate lying down, or I guess, sitting up. So he approached the Jetstar crew with his obvious charm and wit. Now either these guys dismissed him because they can spot an arsehole a mile away or, no, I’d say that was pretty much it.
“I didn’t catch the names of the three flight attendants, but for the purpose of this letter, I’ll call them: Chatty 1, Chatty 2 and Giggly (I’ve given them all the same surname – Couldnotgiveashit). After my request, Chatty 1 and Chatty 2 continued their conversation, presumably about how shit they are at their jobs, and Giggly, well, she just giggled. I then asked if I could sit in one of the six vacant seats at the back of the aircraft, to which Giggly responded, “hehehe, they’re for crew only, hehehe“. I think Giggly may be suffering from some form of mental impairment.”
Way to go Wisken, so far you’ve alienated the French, the mentally ill, the overweight and the Suzuki Swift drivers of the world. But wait, Rich isn’t quite done just yet. Seeing as the cabin crew refused him a relocation, he continued on:
“I made my way back to Jabba the Hutt and spent the remainder of the flight smothered in side-boob and cellulite, taking shallow breaths to avoid noxious gas poisoning. Just before landing, I revisited the back of the plane to use the toilet. You could imagine my surprise when I saw both “crew only” rows occupied by non-crew members. I can only assume Giggly let them sit there after she forgot who she was and why she’s flying on a big, shiny metal thing in the sky.”
* UPDATE *
“Two days after my Fatstar experience, I was due to fly from Sydney to Melbourne. However, my flight was cancelled due to “engineering requirements”. I was scheduled to fly the next day, but that flight was also cancelled. On the third day, my flight was delayed by two hours”
Hey Wisken, ever wonder if you’re just on some kind of jerk register now with Jetstar? That perhaps those flights left for everyone else BUT you because you know, you’re a JERK?