Budget tips for a Queen who is down to her last million.

Poor Lizzy. Things are grim.

This week, the UK Commons Public Accounts Commitee released some shocking news: The Queen is down to her last mil.


Ol’ Lizzy’s reserve funds have plunged to an all-time low. Her money pit is currently sitting at £1 million ($1.6 million), which is freaking everybody out, because as recently as 2001 it was at £35 million ($58 million). Basically, her coin is so depleted that she can no longer put on a sensible one-piece and dive into a pool of cash like Scrooge McDuck.

And as if that wasn’t enough of a tragedy, the palace is also falling apart at the fancy royal seams. Apparently things have gotten so bad, not even a plumber is within the budget; the Committee reported that staff are whipping out the solid gold saucepans to catch water leaking from the ceiling.

So who’s fault is it that the cash has disappeared? Did nobody say anything to Lizzy every time she brought home another matching purse and pill-box hat in pastel yellow?

There’ll be no more of that, thanks.

The Committe is blaming the treasury: “We believe that the Treasury has a duty to be actively involved in reviewing the household’s financial planning and management — and it has failed to do so.”

The treasury responded: “(sideways glance)”

But you know what, I’m not here to assign blame. I’m not here to judge. It must be really hard living off an astronomically large inheritence. Especially when the butler keeps forgetting to put the gold-flecked truffle oil on your eggs when he hand delivers breakfast to your bed every morning. How frustrating.

No wonder complicated things like ‘budgets’ have fallen by the wayside. Who has time for that kind of thing when there’s Corgis to be walked?

Well, good news! I’m here to help. Lizzy may be Queen of England, but I’m Queen of living off a budget. I can whip that woman into financial shape faster than Phil can drop an inappropriate comment at a public event. I may not get her back up to 58 mil, but I can certainly make sure she lives the rest of her days in semi-royal comfort.

My credentials are solid: I studied acting followed by creative writing, which is basically the equivalent of a Masters in Fingerpainting, so I have the skills needed for a life of unemployment/minimum wage.

All she has to do is make a few simple adjustments to her way of life.

Here’s my top tips for Queen Lizzy on a budge:

A box of that can last you a week.

1. Mi Goreng. I really can’t emphasise this one enough. You can buy a whole box of the stuff for $4.99. That’ll keep you and Phil going for a week at least. I’m pretty sure the MSG gives you crazy nightmares but that’s just how the other half live, Lizzy. Add broccoli or egg for, like, nutrients or whatever.

2. Electricity is a big one. It’s Buckingham Palace babe, not Las Vegas. Turn some freaking lights off. And I know binge-watching Game of Thrones is awesome but try not to fall asleep with the TV on.

3. Get your drinks right. Sparkling wine is where it’s at. I know its not glamorous, but sparkling needs to be your new drink. It’s one step above a goon-sack, and if you put it in a glass, nobody ever has to know the bottle was a cleanskin.

4. Sell stuff. Ebay is great. I’m sure you can offload Canada or something. But maybe go ‘Buy It Now’ and not ‘Auction’, just to be safe.

5. Public transport is key. I’m 27 and I still don’t have a license. I say it’s because I’m woried I’ll be singing along to the Aladdin soundtrack and forget to indicate, but really it’s because cars are freaking expensive and I need sparkling wine money. Isn’t your place pretty central to everything? No need for a car dude. Take the bus.

In happier times.

6. Sell sneaky shots of baby George to New Idea. Nobody needs to know who ‘an exclusive source close to the royal family’ actually is. Everybody thinks those are always Fergie anyway.

7. Let’s talk Corgis. Dog food is cheap if you buy the crap stuff and if you buy it in bulk. I know everybody thinks that their dog is special and will be able to tell the difference. They won’t be able to tell the diference. And even if they do… they’re dogs. So, c’mon now.

8. Wi-Fi. This one is a biggie. Check your surrounding networks and see if anyone has forgotten to password protect. If that’s a no-go, take the bus to Maccas and hook in there. Just buy a soft serve and sit there all day.

9. Self service check-outs at the supermarket. I’ve never done it but I’ve heard stories. Just sayin’. Dont’ rule it out.

So there you have it, Lizzy. That should at least begin to turn things around.

Please feel free to add your tips for Liz in the comments. Saving the Royal family can’t rest entirely on my shoulders, you guys.