This week, the UK Commons Public Accounts Commitee released some shocking news: The Queen is down to her last mil.
Ol’ Lizzy’s reserve funds have plunged to an all-time low. Her money pit is currently sitting at £1 million ($1.6 million), which is freaking everybody out, because as recently as 2001 it was at £35 million ($58 million). Basically, her coin is so depleted that she can no longer put on a sensible one-piece and dive into a pool of cash like Scrooge McDuck.
And as if that wasn’t enough of a tragedy, the palace is also falling apart at the fancy royal seams. Apparently things have gotten so bad, not even a plumber is within the budget; the Committee reported that staff are whipping out the solid gold saucepans to catch water leaking from the ceiling.
So who’s fault is it that the cash has disappeared? Did nobody say anything to Lizzy every time she brought home another matching purse and pill-box hat in pastel yellow?
The Committe is blaming the treasury: “We believe that the Treasury has a duty to be actively involved in reviewing the household’s financial planning and management — and it has failed to do so.”
The treasury responded: “(sideways glance)”
But you know what, I’m not here to assign blame. I’m not here to judge. It must be really hard living off an astronomically large inheritence. Especially when the butler keeps forgetting to put the gold-flecked truffle oil on your eggs when he hand delivers breakfast to your bed every morning. How frustrating.
No wonder complicated things like ‘budgets’ have fallen by the wayside. Who has time for that kind of thing when there’s Corgis to be walked?
Well, good news! I’m here to help. Lizzy may be Queen of England, but I’m Queen of living off a budget. I can whip that woman into financial shape faster than Phil can drop an inappropriate comment at a public event. I may not get her back up to 58 mil, but I can certainly make sure she lives the rest of her days in semi-royal comfort.
My credentials are solid: I studied acting followed by creative writing, which is basically the equivalent of a Masters in Fingerpainting, so I have the skills needed for a life of unemployment/minimum wage.
All she has to do is make a few simple adjustments to her way of life.
Here’s my top tips for Queen Lizzy on a budge: