"You can't just let it flow." How intimacy coordinators became Hollywood's most important job.

For decades, Hollywood has used stunt coordinators and experts behind the scenes to ensure a battle scene is accurate, believable and safe.

But when it came to sex scenes – actors, actresses and directors just sort of winged it.

Then came the #MeToo and Time's Up movements, which caused a major upheaval in Hollywood. Consent, harassment and assault were now mainstream topics, and naturally made their way to set.

Now, the same care that went into battle and fight scenes goes into sex scenes, and it’s all done with the guidance of an intimacy coordinator.

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For many actors, this has been a game-changer. It's made their work, which can put them in some very vulnerable situations, comfortable and safe.

In shows where there are sex scenes, it's common for actors to praise these professionals in press interviews.

Aliyah Odoffin, who plays Amara in Everything I Know About Love, told Mamamia that an intimacy coordinator essentially choreographed their sex scenes – so it felt like "another dance scene" to Aliyah.

"It felt super safe," she said.

There are similar quotes from a host of younger stars of recent years: Normal People's Daisy Edgar Jones and Paul Mescal, Conversations with Friends' Alison Oliver and Joe Alwyn, Bridgerton's Phoebe Dynevor, Rege Jean Page and Simone Ashley have all sung the praises of their on-set intimacy coordinators in interviews.

It really does appear to have been one of the greatest changes to an actor's job in the past decade.

The Spill discusses the issue with Sean Bean's intimacy coordinator comments. Post continues below audio.

But, as always, there are other opinions too.

In an August 2022 interview with The Times, Game of Thrones actor Sean Bean said intimacy coordinators "spoil the spontaneity" of shooting a sex scene.

"It would inhibit me more because it's drawing attention to things. Somebody saying, 'Do this, put your hands there, while you touch his thing…

"I think the natural way lovers behave would be ruined by someone bringing it right down to a technical exercise," he said.

His comments were criticised by many - from fans, to crew, to actors.

"Intimacy coordinators are the most fantastic introduction in our work," Emma Thompson said in conversation on Fitzy and Wippa. 

"And no, you can't just 'let it flow.' There's a camera there and a crew, it's not on your own in a hotel room. You're surrounded by a bunch of blokes, mostly, carrying things. So, it's not a comfortable situation, full stop."

Normal People. Image: Stan. 

Intimacy coordinator Ita O’Brien, who worked on Netflix’s Sex Education, Normal People, Conversations with Friends and more, developed the Intimacy on Set Guidelines – which includes not asking for nudity or simulated sex scenes at auditions, having a closed set during filming of intimate scenes, and having robes on hand.

Speaking to Mamamia's daily news podcast The Quicky in 2019, O’Brien explained the series of steps she takes actors through before a sex scene is filmed.

First, they speak with the director to find out exactly what is expected of them physically.

Then the actors run through an ‘agreement of touch’: “‘Am I okay to touch you here? Am I okay to touch you there?'” O’Brien simulated. “‘Yes you can touch the side of my breast, no you cannot touch over my nipple’. Stuff like that, so it’s absolutely clear.”

The actors then physically run through the scene, with verbal cues such as "I step forward, I place my hand round your waist, you place your hand on my cheek". This is repeated, so it becomes a physical structure “that you can perform like a dance,” O’Brien explained.

Mamamia's daily news podcast The Quicky speaks to intimacy coordinator Ita O’Brien.

After all this, the actors are required to reconnect with the director to understand the emotional journey of a scene: The timing, rhythm and duration of acts like a kiss.

Following all this, actors will know exactly what’s going to happen in a scene, meaning they are imperative to creating a comfortable and safe environment for everyone involved.

Without them, there is an opportunity for blurred boundaries, which can lead to awkwardness, embarrassment and at its worst, harassment and assault. O’Brien had heard many such stories.

“Some of the abusive stuff has been an actor thinking or feeling that what happened in the intimate content was the actress really fancying him and then the actor turning up at the trailer and exposing themselves because the signals were misread.

“There’s loads of stuff like that were the personal self and the professional self and the character get confused with who you are as a person.”

It also leads to stars reflecting on experiences from their past, and feeling uncomfortable or violated.

There are dozens of examples. On the Armchair Expert podcast, Salma Hayek shared that a sex scene in her 1995 film Desperado was not originally in the script and she felt pressured to comply with the late addition.

"Oh God, I'm gonna be in trouble – but the love scene was not in the script," Hayek, who would have been 28 at the time of filming, said.

"It was demanded by the studio when they saw the chemistry test. I had a really, really hard time with that... I don't enjoy the scene," she added.

Hayek in Desperado. Image: Sony Pictures. 

And in an August 2022 profile, Amanda Seyfried told Net-a-Porter she almost wished her career was up and coming now, in an era where intimacy coordinators were standard and actors are in better positions to be vocal about their boundaries for sex and nudity.

"Being 19, walking around without my underwear on – like, are you kidding me? How did I let that happen?" she asked, facetiously. 

"Oh, I know why: I was 19, and I didn't want to upset anybody, and I wanted to keep my job. That's why."

If a sex scene goes wrong, it has the potential to scar the actors for a long time, O’Brien told The Quicky. She knew of actors who had quit acting after a bad experience.

She said clear choreography for sex scenes meant that it’s very obvious if someone veers from what has been agreed.

And if that happened, it meant there were clear paths actors could take to express their discomfort.

"My sense in the past was because there wasn’t the clear structure to go through, if someone did step over the line it was very hard for an actor or actress to call a halt to it and say ‘this isn’t right’."

Following the #MeToo and Time's Up movements, film and theatre productions will usually read a code of conduct to the crew, and ensure they all know who they can go to and the process for redress.

And hopefully, this means that actors will no longer need to reflect on instances from their past where they found themselves crossing their boundaries or feeling unsafe at work.

Feature image: Netflix/Stan.

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