I’m going to give the ending away right now: No she does not. But that doesn’t stop said fellow from wistfully listing everything he’s looking for in a lady. Check it:
We have been going out in my head since I was 12. We have aged and grown together. You are my safe warm place. I daydream about your fictitious character when the world gets dark. I think about us watching a movie that changed both our lives or how we back each other up in conversations with other people.
You are about 6 foot tall now. Short black hair with a bit of a fringe. Your skin is sallow. You dress well but you don’t let ”hipster culture” define anything you do.
You like photography, and making music. You like Grouper, Health and japanese math-rock but you also have a long running teenage soft spot for the Goo Goo Dolls.
Like my soft spot for Incubus. We both love to listen to Crack The Skye and just lie on my bed and talk and touch.
Your eyes are friendly, your character is warm, your sensitive but strong. You appreciate me as much as I appreciate you and I trust you to care for me. I trust you. You don’t mind that I cry. You are infinitely deep and love to discuss the nature of the universe late into the night just as much as I do. You are an innovator.
When I feel down, you make me salmon and water melon cuts with a glass of coke and we watch Lost In Translation for the millionth time. We like staying in. We like going out. We like cycling.
We plan to move to Japan someday and raise our kids in the suburbs of Tokyo. Art is not a hobby for us.
Our sex is intimate and monogamy is our fetish. We love to explore each other and love to experiment. I am in love with your butt and sometimes you get jealous. A young Shannyn Sossamon with the mind of Charlotte from Lost In Translation and the musical aesthetic of noise rock.
And for some reason you like tall, bald, skinny dudes with large noses?!?!?! Your name is Zoe in my day and night dreams. It could be anything out here. Do you exist?
All together now: Awwwwwwww. Or, if you’re a cynic like me:
There were two reactions to this personal ad in the Mamamia office. Half of us thought it was adorable and sweet and the other half thought skinny bald dude was doomed to be alone forever because he’ll never find someone who meets his (very specific) laundry list of female criteria.
I could go into the implications of thinking women are just 2-dimensional movie characters who exist purely as perfect “art is not a hobby for me” man-loving machines, but that’s a little exhausting, don’t you think?
Instead, I’d like to share my list of criteria that all potential mates must successfully meet. I haven’t found anyone who ticks all my boxes yet, but I think I have just as much of a chance of finding someone who does as our skinny bald friend above. Here it is:
You are tall. You have dark hair and brown eyes. You live with your single mum who has raised you to treat women with love and respect. Other guys are abrasive and rude compared to you. You and your mum don’t have a lot of money but that doesn’t matter because you’ve got each other.
You’re sweet and kind but also a little cheeky. You hang out with a Japanese guy a lot, who not only teaches you mad karate skills, but also how to live with a sense of balance and peace.
After waxing cars for a few weeks, you’re an expert black-belt. You go up against my mean ex-boyfriend in a big tournament, and even though he plays dirty, you win.
You open your own dojo and we get married.
Your name is Ralph Macchio. You are The Karate Kid.
I have been waiting for you since I was 5-years-old. And I won’t date anyone until I find you. Even if it means I’ll be waiting forever because no partner will ever live up to my specific expectations. I will accept you and ONLY YOU. Please email me at [email protected]
So, what do you think? Are dream-partner laundry lists just a bit of fun, or do they stop you from seeing the possibilities right in front of you?