1. Pictures of nursing men would dominate Facebook photostreams.
2. There would be no such thing as a nursing cover because men would nurse in the wide open. Other men would come up to nursing men and give them fist bumps. Conversations like:
“What are you lactating at these days?”
“Man, I can pump up to eight ounces from one side!”
“Shit, son. You look great.”
“Yeah, I’m lactating.”
Would be commonplace.
3. People would ask nursing men if they should leave the room to give the man and his baby some space.
4. Laws would require employers to allow four 30-minute pumping breaks for all lactating men.
5. Paternity leave policies would be extended to six months, so men could nurse their children exclusively as recommended by the World Health Organisation.
6. Men who breastfed their infants would receive tax breaks from the government and rebates from their health insurance companies.
7. The National Centre for Lactation Support would spend millions revolutionising clogged duct therapies and preventative techniques for mastitis.
8. “Cow” would be a term of respect.
9. Men would brag about how long and how much. Terms like “he’s a 6 ouncer” would become a compliment. Newspapers, morning shows and magazines, would devote entire issues to the topic of nipple tenderness, cuts and bleeding.
10. Men would recount with pride the time their engorged breasts squirted milk while they were out to eat with their wives.
11. A whole market of breastfeeding aids would be developed. Peyton Manning would appear in ads for super absorbent milk pads. Shaq would be the spokesman for Man Milk, a line of supply-boosting lactation supplements. David Beckham would have his own line of nursing-friendly shirts.