By MARY WARD
I am about to say four little words.
After I say these words, you may view me differently. You might think that I am a bad person, a person who gets a sinister thrill out of sucking the fun from her days. You might assume that I am a recluse. An outcast. A freak. You might think that I am more un-Australian than a pom in an All Black’s jersey.
But I’m going to say them anyway.
I. HATE. THE. BEACH.
There. There, I said it. And I’m sorry if it offends you, I’m sorry if it upsets you, and I’m sorry if you need to shut this window and run outside for some thirty degree air because the confession I have just burdened you with is simply too much.
But, please. Let me help you understand my position. And maybe we can have this conversation in a really rational, respectful way that doesn’t involve you burying me up to my neck in the sand, leaving me to be eaten alive by ravenous seagulls. These are the five reasons why I don’t like the beach:
1. Salt water
Salt water is inferior water. It is. Its hydration properties are pitiful, meaning that it fails to serve the primary function water provides to the human race. It also burns your eyes to the same extent as chlorinated water, while not having any of the disinfecting properties. Oh, and, as a result, the water at the beach is guaranteed to be 99% organic toddler urine. Great.
When the omnipotent being of your choice created sand, she/he was having an off day. A really off day.
Omnipotent being: Hey, I think I’m going to make something to cover up the gap between the ocean and the land.
Omnipotent being’s best mate: Wow! That sounds like a really great idea. Maybe you should make something that doesn’t get in people’s undies/bags/shoes/hair/noses, creating annoying and awkward itches while they enjoy those coastal vistas.
Omnipotent being: Nah.
Itchiness aside, the thing that really annoys me about sand is that it is just dirt. It is just GLORIFIED DIRT! But would you sit with your legs in a mound of soil saying: “I love feeling soil between my toes?” No. No you wouldn’t.