'I talk too much, my husband too little. So we put a rule in place.'

I have a lot of feelings. And a lot of words to go with my feelings.

My husband on the other hand, has some feelings, but not nearly enough words. He also has a desire to fix all of my problems.

This combination creates a lot of talking, not enough listening, and lot of misplaced responsibility on how to fix the issues we encounter.

Through counselling, we've learned we have completely different styles of communication. This must have become painfully obvious to our counsellor, as I seemed to be the only one talking in her office. It turns out I put out too much data, and my dear husband does not give out enough. I overwhelm him with information, he feels responsible, shuts down, and as a result I get no data back and am left in the dark.

Let me tell you, that was frustrating me to no end. And he was way over my cute chattiness.

Our counsellor proposed an interesting experiment. She told us to set a timer for three minutes, and to give each person a turn. During my three minutes, I got to express any feelings or thoughts I had, good or bad. I got to talk for an uninterrupted period of time, and my husband didn’t have to respond, nod, make listening noises, or fix anything. All he had to do was sit there and listen. The next day, he got three minutes. Just the same, I didn’t have to reply, offer up any helpful suggestions, hug or reach out to comfort him.

We started our experiment with once every other day.

The first time, I thought “there is no way I can fit all of my feelings into three minutes. This is completely unacceptable.” In contrast, my husband wondered “What do I say? I don’t have anything prepared". Once we got past this initial, strange setup, where we had each other’s full attention and no consequences to anything we said, we got into a better flow.

As the weeks passed, we realised we had less and less disagreements and arguments. Each week, days would go by with next to zero conflict between us.

Wondering what was going on, I started to pay attention to how our three minutes looked. I noticed that each round, the things said during the three minutes had obviously been marinated, and were much more well thought-out. The words were more condensed, the message clearer, and the issues more specific. Long gone were the days where we talked in circles for hours, trying to explain a small detail which was evidently getting lost in the midst of too many words.

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We began started to learn that setting “talking” boundaries actually made us listen better. When there were too many words flying around, the important bits of information got lost, and neither one of us was truly hearing anything. Having time between the “rounds” of uninterrupted talking, gave us a chance to take in what the other said, process it, and implement it into our lives.

We’ve never had a high-conflict relationship, and both work really hard at making changes the other asks for. But it was undeniable true that we were not hearing what the other was saying. The three-minute rule helped us clean up the conversation clutter, and leave us with just the essentials.

I started to get information from my husband he never gave me before.

During his three minutes, he started to talk about feelings he had about his job, his family, stress and our marriage. Some of it was good and lovely to hear, some of it was necessary. It gave me insight I would have never obtained through my usual pushy methods. He began to share things I needed to know, but never would have told me under pressure. Some information doesn't come out until the person has time to come to it on their own, and when they don't feel pushed to say it out loud.

I came to cherish his three-minutes; it was like a little bubble where time stood still, and I got golden nuggets of precious information.

The most amazing thing about the experiment, was realising that simply being heard is the best gift we can give to each other.

As a talkative one, it’s easy for me to talk, talk and then talk some more, in hope of resolving a difference. It’s hard for me to sit with an unresolved topic. It literally makes me tap my feet with anxiety ... and here comes the word vomit of feelings once again.

Others, like my husband, might need the time to process something before they can get the words out. Setting a clear and strict boundary makes it possible for me to take a step back, and allows him to actually give out information I so desperately need, - when he’s ready.

I’m not saying you should enforce a three-minute talking rule, but if you are like me and have a hard time containing those words, you should definitely give this a try.

It will help you stop talking so you can be heard better, and allow your partner to get a word in so you know how he or she feels about something too. Though this started as a tool to get our communication to a better place, I have a feeling we will keep implementing it for a long time.

How do you and your partner communicate? Are you going to try out this technique?

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This post was originally published on Society Letters and was republished here with full permission.