How to survive Christmas in 12 easy steps. By Kate Hunter

‘So, what are you doing for Christmas?’ It seems like such a simple question.

But unless you’re Richard Branson and can reply, ‘I’m flying everyone onto my private island where my staff will indulge our every whim,’ chances are Christmas is not the restful end to the year you wish it could be.

For kids, of course, Christmas is great. You get presents, eat all day and your parents are too busy to notice you’re out of control. But as you grow up, the responsibilities of Christmas can edge out the fun, unless you manage them carefully. So I’ve put together a few hints and observations to help prevent the silly season from sending you mental.

1. The generational power shift is a subtle but real problem – at what point do your parents stop calling the shots at Christmas? Some mothers stubbornly refuse to hand over the ham, intent on becoming a Margaret Fultonesque matriarch. No one feels safe watching a woman in her eighties setting fire to a pudding, but few are brave enough to intervene. Let it go, but have a bucket of water handy.
2. On the other hand, there are mothers who can’t wait to toss the turkey at their kids (read: daughters). They announce with glee and a hint of revenge, ‘It’s your turn to do Christmas now. We’ll be over at midday!’ This is problematic if you live in a one bedroom flat, have a new baby, or are also hosting your partner’s family. People living in coastal areas often find themselves running resort-style accommodation for family, friends and backpacking acquaintances of former workmates. If this is you, consider moving to an industrial estate for the latter part of December.
3. For couples, a major question is whose side of the family do you spend the day with? Do you go to them or do they come to you? It’s worth making doubly sure everyone is clear on arrangements. I knew a family who spent once spent Christmas Day hurtling past each other on the on a freeway.
4. Single people face unique challenges at Christmas; often having no break at all. Some employers assume unmarried people have nowhere to go and nothing to do, so arrange their rosters to give employees ‘with families’ time off. Tell such employers to get stuffed, but do it in a festive way.
5. If your parents have split up and found love with new partners, Christmas is more complicated than the politics of the Baltic States. Be aware that the Baltic States are home to some big drinkers and pace yourself accordingly.
6. Many families try to spread the joy, especially where members can’t stand each other. For example, Christmas morning is spent with Dad’s side (born-again Christians), then the evening with Mum’s rellies (champion tellers of dirty jokes). Boxing Day means a visit to Poppa and his ‘companion’ up the coast. This type of Christmas involves three major meals and lot of shortbread, so elasticized pants are a must.
7. If your dad goes the fish market for prawns on Christmas Eve, you will need to honor him in similar fashion to a soldier recently returned from a war zone.
8. Be prepared for your Christmas cracker not to go, ‘bang!’ Practice pretending it’s really funny to be left holding a skinny strip of brown cardboard.
9. Wear the paper crown that falls out of said cracker with a smile, but be sure to delete all photographic records. One word: Facebook.
10. Weirdly, people often revert to their teenage selves at Christmas, particularly at their parents’ place. Your 42 year-old brother will sulk when your mum says, ‘Please turn the cricket off and talk to the family.’ You will snigger, then he’ll tease you about your middle name. Have a retort ready.
11. Actual teenagers are always happy with their presents these days. iTunes gift cards have removed all risk of disappointment. Do not attempt to surprise and delight because you will fail.
12. When it comes to opening gifts, there are paper rippers and there are paper savers. Each group finds the other intensely irritating, becoming agitated at wanton wastefulness and fastidious folding-for-next-year respectively. Suggest a physical barrier between the two factions.

But, at the end of the day (and it’s always a long one), the thing to remember is that lots of people would love to have a family to be annoyed by at Christmas. And if ‘annoying’ is the worst you can say about yours, you’re doing okay. I suspect even Richard Branson faces some family friction at Christmas. No man is an island, even if he owns it.

How are you going to survive Christmas this year?