real life

'After multiple tragedies, my drinking was out of control. Here's how I stopped.'

Content warning: This post includes discussion of stillbirth that may be distressing to some readers.

Trudy Vains can't remember much of the 15 years she spent as an alcoholic. But what she remembers is how it all began. 

Indicative of Australia's binge-drinking culture, Trudy grew up surrounded by alcohol. In her early years, drinking was associated with fun and partying - but one drink often spiralled into many.

There was an element of peer pressure about it, with those who didn't have a drink at the party labelled 'boring'. So Trudy would always take the drink. When her boyfriend at the time pushed her into drinking, she gave in. Trudy felt the repercussions of saying no to this narcissistic, controlling man weren't worth it. So she drank. 

It soon turned into a toxic 15-year cycle of drinking. And it was a cycle that impacted Trudy's life in all facets - but particularly her relationships with her immediate family.

Today, Trudy is sober and has been for the past 12 years. She's a bright and hardworking woman, passionate about yoga, and is about to become a marriage celebrant. But there are some things that sobriety doesn't completely fix - because the damage has already been done.

Watch: Fiona O'Loughlin on the impact of alcoholism. Post continues below.


Video via Network 10.

While Trudy's relationship with alcohol continued to spiral, she also faced a string of unrelated challenges. 

"During this period I had a child die at birth, which was very traumatic. That drove me into even more drinking," Trudy said.

Then, in 1988, Trudy was hit by a car. Five years later, she was involved in two additional accidents - both as a passenger in a car. In one instance, the driver sideswiped a tree, and in the other, the driver fell asleep on the highway and hit a tree at 100km. 

In 2007, Trudy's bad luck continued. Her car was hit from behind at a set of lights, and a few months later someone reversed into her car while she was getting out of it. 2009 was the final accident - her car hit from behind while at a stop sign. All of these accidents had serious consequences on her mind and body.

Of course with grief comes trauma. And how Trudy coped with hers was through alcohol. 

"There's sadly a good 15 years of my life that I don't recall because there were so many drunken blackouts. You don't know how you end up in bed, nor do you know what you did that day or the day before. It's scary," Trudy said to Mamamia

"Someone would ask me 'how many drinks do you have?' And I'd say 'five or six'. But in reality, it was ten. Grief is a very, very big reason why people drink. So is low self-esteem."

Trudy managed to leave her narcissistic ex-boyfriend, and find love with her now-husband Craig. But the drinking still sadly lingered. And it began to impact Trudy's relationships with her kids and stepchildren. 

"Between Craig and I, we have four kids. I can't remember much from that time - it's a bit of a black fog. I know I would slur a lot and get the kids to go fill up my wineglass. My drink of choice was always wine - so was my husband's. I didn't like arguments though, so I wasn't aggressive when drinking. But I was messy. I would just blackout on the floor."

To this day, Trudy's son is estranged from her. 

Trudy's daughter Emily however is still in her life, something that Trudy is very grateful for.

"I've had to come to terms with my son. Our daughter Emily also saw so much - but she has also seen me change my life. Emily has since said she will never touch a drop of alcohol, given what she has witnessed. Our kids grew up with two parents for alcoholics. They had it tough."

Trudy with her daughter Emily and husband Craig. Image: Supplied. 

In 2009, Trudy received a call that brought her world crashing down. 

Her brother Michael had died in a fatal head-on collision with another car on a long stretch of road in Central Queensland. 

It was this event in particular that forced Trudy to reassess the life she was living. Because Trudy knew deep down that things had to change - not only for her own sake, but for her family too. 

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"After Michael's death I drank myself into a stupor every night and I would wake up in the morning and repeat the cycle. And one day I just woke up and felt absolutely disgusted with myself in every way you could possibly think of. And the vomiting would begin. It was at this point that I realised I didn't want to live like this anymore - I couldn't go on living like this."

Around 2010, Trudy made the decision to quit drinking for good.

It wasn't an easy transition, considering her body was so used to being numbed by alcohol after the last 15 years. But once she got through the cravings and the period of withdrawal vomiting, her world started to shift in the right direction. Things were clearer. And it was a yoga DVD that set Trudy on a new path.

"Finding yoga was my lifesaver. I was able to lose some of the drinking weight, I stopped smoking, and I began to take care of myself. Even my personality changed - I was finally a nice person to be around," she said.

Fortunately, Trudy had her partner Craig by her side through it all, who at the same time decided he would also quit drinking. It was a course correction that would change their lives for the better.

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"When I decided to become sober, I went to him that day and said I don't want to do this anymore. He then said he was so tired and sick too. I don't miss alcohol one bit now. My husband and I are much happier now. We are careful about who we surround ourselves with and where we go - we've had instances of having our drinks spiked at private parties, so we choose not to go anywhere with alcohol."

Of course sobriety doesn't fix absolutely everything. Trudy still had to face challenges with her physical health, with the six car accidents severely affecting her back. 

By the time 2016 rolled around, Trudy had faced another injury. Only this time did doctors realise the full extent of Trudy's back problems. 

"My spine ultimately took a lot of hits. After jarring my back things become worse - I went for a lower back X-ray and scans, which revealed a broken vertebra was pressing on my spinal nerve. The pain was terrible," Trudy said.

She has since had two back surgeries and is now in much better shape. 

But something that needs more space and time is Trudy's familial relationships. Currently, she remains mostly estranged from her family. 

"Many of them won't have anything to do with us. Other family members we have chosen to distance ourselves from. We've had to become happy in our own little space and build our own pseudo-family, whether its friends or fellow yoga lovers," Trudy said.

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Trudy hopes that by sharing her story she will be helping someone about to hit rock bottom. Because she knows better than anyone that you can always come back from adversity. 

"You can overcome anything without alcohol. That's what I want people to know - you can always find something else to make you feel good and worthwhile other than alcohol. My life has been a very, very hard one. But from it all I've learned alcohol isn't the answer."

To read Trudy Vains' book Fused or to hear more of her story, you can visit her website here

If this post brought up any issues for you, you can contact Drug Aware, Australia's 24hr alcohol and drug support line. You can reach them on (08) 9442 5000 or 1800 198 024. 

If this has raised any issues for you or if you would like to speak with someone, please contact the Sands Australia 24-hour support line on 1300 072 637. 

You can download Never Forgotten: Stories of love, loss and healing after miscarriage, stillbirth, and neonatal death for free here.

Feature Image: Supplied.

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