real life

The book you never knew you needed to read, has just sold out on Amazon.

A book called “How to Poo on a Date: The lovers’ guide to toilet etiquette” has just sold out on Amazon.

Understandable.

When you’re trying to impress a possible new sexy-times partner, you hardly want them hearing the water splash as you drop one off at the pool. As far as they’re concerned, you’ve never passed a log in your life thank you very much.

That’s fair enough – keep some of the mystery in the first few months, right?

Written by Mats and Enzo, it’s the third in a series of ‘How to Poo’ books, which have all been bestsellers. Because apparently people everywhere are desperately searching for literary instruction on how to yoyo a turtle head:

But, the book doesn’t just focus on avoiding embarrassing deuce dumping at the beginning of relationships – it’s also a guide on how to avoid firing a torpedo around your partner for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.

As in, you must basically convince your significant other that any time you visit the bathroom, it’s to powder your nose and freshen your lipstick and braid your hair with daisies. And don’t even think about farting anywhere other than a sound proof room.

Here are the book’s 9 main tips for holding in your poo and holding onto your man:

1. SECRECY: Never say precisely what you are going to do.

2. INTIMACY: Always go alone.

3. INVISIBILITY: Make sure nobody sees you enter or come out.

4. SILENCE: Don’t give any indication upon your return as to what’s just occurred.

5. IDENTITY: Come back in the exact same configuration you left in.

6. SECURITY: Don’t reveal any clues that could give away the purpose of your mission.

7. SPEED: Never be away for more than five minutes, to avoid all suspicion.

8. COMPOSURE: Never show how you feel. Do not walk to the toilet with your buttocks clenched, for example.

9. MODESTY: Never brag about what’s gone one behind closed doors.

Sounds exhausting.

If you want to try and get yourself a copy of the seriously popular How to Poo on a Date, click here. (NB: this is not a sponsored post for poo-ing on date books).

Or, you could keep it simple and just do what everybody else does: build a toilet paper landing pad.

Duh.

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