How to make pegging pleasurable for your partner, and also for you.

For those who have delved into the world of pegging, it’s hard to turn back. After all, aside from being extremely pleasurable and orgasmic, it can be an easy way to “reverse” the standard power roles in a relationship and get to know each other on a more intimate level. He’ll get more experience on the receiving end of pleasure while she’ll get more experience on the “providing” end of pleasure.

And, of course, it feels fantastic for both partners. Now, if you do try pegging, I want your experience to go as swimmingly as possible. But some things happen that might keep you both from enjoying pegging as thoroughly as you’d like.

With that in mind, here are some common barriers that keep couples from enjoying pegging – and how to fix them. All of these are written from the point of view of a the female who will be pegging a male, but suggestions could apply to couples of all sexes.

We’re scared about the mess

Yeah, shit happens. You’re messing around in a part of the body that is regularly used for waste. Similar to the vagina (and the blood that happens), this is just a regular, biological function that this area is used for.

However, it’s still something that freaks a lot of people out to the point that they may avoid anal sex or pegging entirely because of this fear. Well, that’s no good! Aside from accepting that it’s going to happen on occasion (and it’s going to happen at some point if you engage in enough pegging sessions), it helps to do a few things.

First, make sure the receptive partner is eating a good diet – and having solid bowel movements. The time to play with pegging isn’t after he’s been sick with a stomach flu. Having your partner eat a full, fibre-rich diet and choosing to only play after he’s had a movement within the last four-six hours can really help.

Second, some people really enjoy using enemas to clean out the area before play. After an enema or two, the interior of the body will be near-spotless, and you’re much less-likely to run into anything that might offend the two of you.

Listen: Some more tips for spicing up your sex life, from our Love Life podcast. (Post continues.)

Pegging hurts him

This is a big one for many couples, and it’s usually caused by a couple different things.

First, he could be nervous. Like any other muscle around the body, the butt tends to tighten up when the person is nervous. This can make penetration of any sort much more difficult. The solution here is to ensure he’s relaxed, engage in lots of foreplay, and start extremely small – maybe even with just a finger – to show him that things can feel pleasurable. He’ll start to relax from there.

Second, it could be your dildo size that’s the problem. One of the big benefits of using a strap-on is that YOU get to choose your own size. Want to be gigantic? Done. Want to be slim with a p-spot curve? You got it. You can strap-on and change your “dick” every time you play. With that being said, even on a day-to-day basis, what a person will be able to comfortably “take” may change. If your partner is experiencing pain, consider going down to a smaller dildo.

Especially if you’re both new to this, some of the dildos included in “beginner” pegging kits can be surprisingly large. Consider a slim dildo with a diameter of less than one inch if he’s having problems. Nobody says that your anal sex has to include a dildo of biological human size. Again, the fun of pegging is that you can use a dildo that’s barely thicker than a finger. And of course, remember to do a thorough warm-up with lots of foreplay and using your actual fingers beforehand.

The third and final factor when it comes to painful pegging is amount and type of lubricant you’re using. Lubricant tends to dry up over time, and with that, it’ll start to become uncomfortable. Especially if using a water-based lubricant, take the time to pull out on occasion and slather your dildo in another layer of lubricant. I personally like to keep gloves on-hand for this. I’ll pull out of my partner, snap on a glove, use the gloved hand to re-lubricate the toy, then slide back in and take off the glove. That way, there’s no lubricant/mess on my hand, and I can go right back to gripping onto my partner.

We can't figure out the best pegging positions

Now, this can be a tough one for some people. After all, you're basically trying to insert an inanimate object - that you can't feel - into your partner's butt. To top it all off, many women don't have experience being the penetrator. That's enough to give anyone performance anxiety.

First, consider blindfolding your partner. It's a small step, but knowing that his expectant eyes can't watch you can honestly help quite a bit when it comes to finding your groove.

After you've done that, it'll be time to experiment with a few different positions. Try doggy style, where you're standing next to the bed with your partner's butt pulled to the edge of the bed. This will neutralise some of the height difference and give you some control over insertion - especially if your partner needs you to go slowly. Also consider having your partner lay face-down on the bed with you on top.

This makes it harder to control the rate of insertion, but the full-body contact can feel a lot more intimate. Plus, you'll push his penis against the bed for more stimulation, and you can grind against the harness for stimulation of your own. You may also want to experiment with having him sit on top. This takes the pressure off of you if you're feeling particularly nervous.

Above all, realise that getting good, working sex positions is just a matter of experimentation and time. You just have to give things a try! If that's still proving frustrating, consider purchasing a longer dildo for your harness. A longer toy can offer easier penetration and more sex positions.

The harness doesn't fit right - I don't feel sexy

Well, boo - nobody wants to feel unsexy during a sex act!

First, it could be in your head. After all, this is a whole new type of "attractive" that you've never really seen before. How often are women featured in powerful positions wearing strap-on harnesses in the media? It's even a niche in porn! It can be hard to pull together your current definition of "sexy" - and make it fit with wearing a strap-on harness.

What's in your head definitely matters, of course, but it may be worth asking your partner to reassure you about how you look in the harness - or practice taking some sultry selfies in your harness and see how positively he reacts when you send them to him! Consider wearing some of your prettier lingerie underneath the harness if you want a little boost of confidence.

However, the better solution is just to honestly purchase a new harness. This may not be in the cards for everyone, and good-quality harnesses can be expensive. However, I don't want you to feel unattractive for what's supposed to be a sexual activity. Manufacturers now make a large variety of different types of harnesses. Try to steer clear of the cheaper ones for a better fit. ASLAN Leather and Spareparts, in particular, make some sultry-looking harnesses. If you prefer the look of lingerie with strap-on capabilities built-in, you should particularly have a look at Spareparts.

If your harness doesn't fit correctly, though, again, it might be an issue of purchasing a new harness. Different harnesses fall differently on different body types. Some harnesses are going to sit high on the hips and near the hip bones. Others will rest right along a straight line around the thighs from the pubic area. Depending on your body and how you carry your weight, you might find some harnesses more comfortable than others.

When purchasing your harness, especially if you're larger or smaller in frame, make sure to pay attention to the manufacturer's maximum or minimum guidelines. In general, if you're a bigger person, "one size fits most" harnesses tend to end at about 42" hips. In particular, a lot of plus-size women find a lot of success with Spareparts harnesses.

I have problems putting on the harness

This one can be a tough one, and it's honestly something that only gets better with time.

To solve the problem now, though, before you're anywhere near sex, go ahead and put the harness on in private. Adjust all of the straps to the perfect adjustment for you. This includes the smaller ones and the below-the-butt straps. Now that you have things perfect (and this is a fun time to take photos of yourself!), just undo one of the fasteners - usually one of the hip ones works best – and step out of the harness. Next time you're ready to play, just slide in the dildo and step into the harness, then fasten up that single buckle. Perfect fit!

However, if that idea still makes you nervous, consider putting on your harness in private. After all, it'll be a great surprise if you come out from the bathroom and surprise your partner. Talk about a lovely visual!

Another solution is to purchase a harness that's easier to put on. Panty-style strap-on harnesses can just be slipped up the hips like a regular pair of panties. Other harnesses may only use a single strip of spandex material that just gets pulled over the body. Leather-crafted harnesses tend to be the most complicated of the harnesses out there.

Strap-on play does nothing for me physically

This is also a common complaint for many female tops. They enjoy the experience of pegging and want to do it with their partner, but they just aren't getting the physical stimulation they need to get off. In fact, quite a few women who engage in pegging aren't getting much stimulation from it.

The problem usually lies in a couple of places, so it may take some investigation and experimentation to figure out how to solve it. First, the issue could be the harness. If the harness has the dildo sitting somewhere away from the clitoris, your body won't experience the pleasure of having the base of the dildo rub up against the clit with every thrust. Second, the issue could be the position itself. Some positions will lend themselves better to pushing and grinding the base of the dildo into the body.

Third, it could be the dildo itself. Some dildo bases are going to be too large or concave to provide regular stimulation to the clitoris. Finally, not everyone gets off by clitoral stimulation like this. In those instances, some strap-on manufacturers now create small pockets in their harnesses designed to hold bullet vibrators up against the clitoris during penetration to add stimulation. If you're a fan of internal stimulation, it might also be time to consider adding a dildo, Kegel balls, or other toy inserted into you to add more stimulation during the act.

That being said, it's still not likely to be something that will provide an "effortless" orgasm for most. You might consider engaging in a lot of foreplay beforehand so your body is already worked up and ready to go. You also might want to consider picking a hands-free sex position for the two of you such as you standing with him on all fours on the bed. Loosen the harness a little bit, reach your hand underneath the harness to pleasure yourself, and continue with the thrusting at the same time. (This one takes practice!)

The second option is to just accept that it won't be a physically stimulating experience for you. There are lots of other ways to get off after you've gotten done pegging your partner - or before! Consider making your partner "earn" his pegging by getting you off beforehand. People engage in lots of intimate acts that don't offer self-stimulation at every given moment - such as oral sex. This might just be another one for the two of you.

The third option is just to modify your pegging experience in general. Manufacturers offer thigh strap-on harnesses. Strap a dildo onto your thigh, lay down, and let your partner peg himself while you masturbate right in front of him. He gets pleasure and a show, and you get pleasure and a show. It's a win-win all around.

This post originally appeared on Kinkly and has been republished here with full permission.