SHARE: 14 things you ONLY do when you’re trying to get pregnant

 

If we’re honest, many, many women are prone to obsessiveness. But when it comes to getting pregnant, we embrace all kinds of crazy. So here it is, the list that will have you nodding along if you have ever, or are trying right now, to get pregnant.

 

 

1. TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN. Once the sperm is in, up you go. Forget just raising your legs in the air. That is for amateurs. A full on handstand is best. And for how long? Hours and hours. Don’t worry about passing out. You are trying to get pregnant.   2. "BORROW" A BABY. Temporarily. Because carrying a baby around for a day will clearly make your body and mind want a baby. Obvs. 3. "BORROW" A PREGNANT BELLY. If you don’t know anyone who is pregnant, find one. Go sit in a shopping centre (or better a hospital) and once you see someone who is pregnant, run over and rub like your life depends on it. Don’t ask if you can rub – that is rude. 4. BUY UP CRYSTALS. If you are scared of getting arrested for attacking pregnant bellies, invest in some crystals. And rub them into your belly. Stones from your garden won’t work. You need to spend your life savings on some fancy ones. 5. HIT THE HERBS.  Get  to your local China Town and find the most authentic-looking Chinese medicine clinic. Then ask for the drink that tastes like vomit and smells like poo. Drink this three times a day and hold it down. This will force your body to make a baby in hope the vomit/poo drink stops. 6.TURN TO DRUGS.  If you aren’t up for wandering China Town, head to the local chemist and buy every single Cough Medicine on the shelves. Substitute this for water. If anything, you won’t get a cough. 7. SPIT ON STUFF. Get yourself some fancy tests to see when you are prime for getting preggers. Use the one that looks like a lipstick and spit into it, and then examine your spit. Yes sounds strange, but apparently it is a thing. 8. EMBRACE TECHNOLOGY. Download an ovulation app that pings you when you need to start getting sexual. Adds to the spontaneous romance. 9. TURN UP THE HEAT. Go old school with a thermometer and take your temperature every 30 mins. Once a day is for beginners. And if you don't know what a thermometer is...look it up. 10. UM. ICK. Get to know yourself. I mean really know yourself. Specifically how much cervical mucus you are producing. Then draw a fancy chart displayed for all to see and track your mucus. People will definitely find this fascinating not weird. 11. WEE ON STUFF. Do what Mia Freedman did and buy pregnancy wee sticks in bulk and use them like they are an illegal drug. 12. SKIP WORK. Tell your boss you want 3 days off work. When they ask why, say that is when you will be ovulating and you and your husband need to dedicate 72 hours to going at it like rabbits. They will totally approve it. 13. EMBRACE VANILLA SEX. When you have sex, only do boring missionary position so you don’t contaminate the area or miss out on any sperm knowing where to go. 14. GET SPECIFIC. Or, select the gender of your baby by choosing Doggie Style (with hubby behind and you on all fours) for a boy or you on top for a girl. Works E-V-E-R-Y-T-I-M-E. Pregnant yet?

Let us know what you have tried to get pregnant (or know “somebody else” tried).

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