Finding happiness through the bleak fog of depression. It's possible.

Finding happiness can be difficult. Especially when you are suffering with depression. Author Lana Penrose knows this feeling all too well. She found herself on the floor of her apartment one day, so down she knew she had to try and pick herself up. She worked out what was best for her, and started listening to her body, finally choosing happiness.

This is an extract of her book ‘The Happiness Quest.’ 

Happiness. We all want it, right. But why does it seem so goddamned elusive?

Like most of us roaming Planet Strange, I posed this question often until I finally got sucked headfirst into the looking glass squealing like a little girl. As I spiralled around and around, I saw in fits and bursts that the world seemed to equate happiness with the acquisition of ‘stuff’. Apparently if I had certain things, like designer clothing, diamond-encrusted hair follicles and a yacht made of gold that sailed exclusively upon Grange Hermitage, I’d have a perpetual grin on my newly re-vamped face. But as I flailed a little more, I came to see that that plain isn’t true.

How did I arrive at such a conclusion? Allow me to wind back the clock. Picture me in fetal position, on the floor, blubbering inconsolably. No, I haven’t tricked you into imagining a home birth gone horribly wrong. I’ve taken you back to my fortieth year, right after I’d been diagnosed with major depression. It doesn’t get much more ‘unhappy’ than that, and that was the starting point of my quest for happiness.

Somewhat unsteadily, I dragged myself up off the floor, donned an ill-fitting suit of armor and made a conscious decision to do whatever it took to usher joy back into my life. That’s when I couldn’t help but notice that concurrent to gruelling psychology appointments and all-day crying fits, I was being tortured by aspirational advertising that overloaded me with imagery of what my life was apparently meant to be, such as a cable-knit sweater clad partner, a lavish home, fierce car, disposable income and a reconstructed nose. I had none of these things. None! Was it any wonder I was miserable? But … but … if I could just shave off a little extraneous nasal bone, re-bleach my teeth and acquire a pair of skyscraping Jimmy Choo’s, perhaps I’d be one step closer to gaining that which I craved, i.e. an ongoing sense of contentment.

In my heart of hearts, I sensed that following that track could be slightly off. Yes, I wanted to embrace life and be like a happy-go-lucky gal in a four-wheel-drive commercial who chortled till her face all but fell off, instead of being perpetually locked in brace position. And yes, I wanted to be like a frivolous sitcom character – social, fun lovin’, fancy-free and living it large. It’s just that … I wasn’t.

So what was I to do? If happiness wasn’t to be gleaned through the acquisition of stuff, if it wasn’t gained through trying to manipulate my external reality, if it wasn’t nabbed through materialism, then what? Well, this is where my story changed course. After much soul-searching, psyche dredging and coming to know thyself a little too well, I came to see that rather than changing my physicality or outside circumstances, I’d be wiser to change my mind – literally.

I know. It sounds extremely clichéd, but after a couple of years of rebuilding my internal world so that my worldview shifted accordingly, I came to see that happiness will always and forever be spawned internally and through the simple things in life, particularly through appreciating who I was, what I had (rather than what I didn’t have), loving cool people and just through being a thoughtful, compassionate, contributing, helpful and kind individual. I know … blah, blah, blah. We’ve heard it all before. Pass the Bollinger. But this is what I discovered for myself and I genuinely know it to be true. And being able to negotiate my way through life with that new outlook has changed everything entirely – how I feel emotionally, how I perceive life’s ups and downs, my happiness levels overall.

I now drift about with a sense of ongoing equilibrium like never before. Don’t barf, but I kind of love myself too. I also haven’t had a depressive episode since 2010.

So the proof is in the pudding. Happiness will always and forever be generated internally. If we're at peace with ourselves, we’ll see it all around us and experience it in our hearts. It’s here, in this moment, right before my freshly chiselled nose.

Lana Penrose is the bestselling author of four books, including ‘The Happiness Quest’ – a self-help memoir that is raw, real and funny, and depicts with honesty what the journey of tackling depression is really like.
Open, warm and wise, ‘The Happiness Quest’ is for depression sufferers and happiness seekers alike. Find out about it here.
(RRP $24.99/Finch Publishing)

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