It must be said: There are Christmas tree masochists walking among us.
They are rarely held accountable for their decorating crimes. They use tinsel. They don’t match anything. They throw it all together as if Christmas is a jolly-fun time not worthy of order and process.
They are no doubt blinded by the mismatch of their own actions and expect us to walk into their homes and soak in the picture of a tree that looks like Christmas-vomit reincarnate.
They need help, and a lot of it.
Lucky for them, I’m feeling a little less Grinch-like than usual and am happy to share the universal and absolute rules of Christmas tree decorating.
There must be no veering from the plan.
Obviously what you do with your life has no bearing on mine but… well, I’m just saying.
Don’t be a November noob
Ugh. It’s November. (Not literally.) Put the Christmas tree AWAY. There’s nothing worse than the over-excited November noob who puts their tree up before December.
November noobs literally (not literally) ruin Christmas. You know why? Because things are only special if you have to wait for them. Like birthdays. And Christmas.
Think about it this way: When an economy is struggling, it’s a bad, very bad idea to print money. Why? Because IF EVERYONE HAS MONEY, NO ONE HAS MONEY.
Therefore, if it’s always Christmas, it’s never Christmas.
Pack her up ’til December, darl.
LISTEN: Small Talk For People Who Hate Small Talk At Christmas.
Put the lights on first, obviously
Put the lights on first so you can tuck them in, don’t do it once the tree is a mess of baubles and tinsel.
It’ll make your life hard, and the tree will be overwhelmed by power cords.
Power cords don’t elicit any kind of Christmas spirit, and anything that doesn’t ooze Christmas spirit must be buried well within the depths of the tree’s branches.
The star MUST be put on last.
The top of the tree must only be graced with a star. Nothing else. Don’t even think about putting a kitsch little elf on the top there. Elves aren’t real, stars are. Christmas simply cannot be focused on an object that isn’t even REAL.
Do NOT go rogue with colour
This is very important, and potentially quite upsetting for Christmas villains who run riot with colour.
There must be a theme, and the use of two-to-three colours only. I don’t care what colours you choose. I don’t even care if you change it every year.
It’s an insult to the trees cut down for the sole purpose of being a Christmas tree to then cover them in contrasting colour. It’s like putting a puppy in one of those hotdog costumes: this isn’t what they were born to wear. You’re humiliating them.
It absolutely cannot be one of those silly wooden ones
I'm not even doing this the honour of elaborating.
White Christmas trees can go back to the North Pole, too.
TINSEL IN THE BIN
May I direct you to an article penned by my colleague Michelle Andrews last week, where she called on a worldwide banning of tinsel.
Oh, and may I draw your attention to British etiquette expert William Hanson, who told The Mirror last month tinsel was actually the devil re-born into a new sparkly form.
“For those with any taste whatsoever, tinsel is the antichrist,” he said.
“No tree, bannister or doorframe should be bedecked with this, the most common of Christmas accessories.
“It never looks good, is horrid to touch and is a waste of money.”
Don't bother having presents underneath unless the wrapping paper is colour coordinated
I have a question: Why is your wrapping paper mismatched when it's actually EASIER to buy one colour in bulk?
You can literally (yes, literally) buy rolls of the same wrapping paper. Metres and metres and metres.
Why don't you? Why do you insist on killing Christmas by ruining the stage under the tree?
Also, I'm joking.