This is the housemate story of your nightmares, centred around the bathroom.

Like the Baudelaire children, there is no good ending to this story. There aren’t any inspirational moments that are going to uplift you in any way. There may be some moments where you’ll do an awkward butt clench, a wide eyed “surely not” or even just a good old giggle at how ridiculous it is… so if that’s what you’re after, get comfy and be prepared to feel a new found gratitude for your current living situation.

If you think afterwards “oh it’s not that bad”… try living with her.

The beginning of this story has a bit of detail but context is everything. When we moved in together I brought with me a small Kmart trolley to go in the bathroom. I don’t have that many toiletries to fill it with so I put two folded clean towels on the top shelf, toiletries on the second and hair straightener and hair dryer on the third. She then had the whole bathroom vanity to use.

Seemed fair to me.

In the shower we have half the windowsill each for shampoo and what not. I wash my hair regularly but not that regularly to realise that I wasn’t the only one using my shampoo.

I didn’t mind too much until my shampoo was moved to her side with her things. Bit weird I thought as I moved it back. Next day the same, back on her side. So I left it there and bought myself some new shampoo. Not that big a deal, a bit annoying but it’s okay.

Pick your battles.

She then she started to take over the trolley (bear in mind she also has the whole bathroom vanity), soon my clean towels were hung up on the drying rack and replaced with her boyfriend’s toiletry bag (he doesn’t live with us).

I then went away for a weekend (taking my toiletries with me and leaving an empty shelf), on my return the middle shelf was filled with all of her toiletries. Deep breaths.

I didn’t want to make a big deal of it so I had a look through the bathroom vanity and found she wasn’t using the bottom drawer. So I put my toothbrush, toothpaste and a few other bits and bobs in there and decided to keep the rest in my room (to avoid her using my things).

For a few weeks nothing is moved and I feel that she must be happy with our bathroom arrangement now. I’m not super stoked with it, but it’s a minor issue.

One night, I’m home alone and head into the bathroom to have a shower. I’ve got my bag of toiletries in one arm (starting to feel like I live in a hostel with a shared bathroom), towel over my shoulder and speaker in hand to give myself the ultimate shower karaoke experience.

I plop my toiletries next to the sink, hang up my towel on the rack and start connecting my speaker to my phone.

Music is now playing and I’m wishing I’d thought to bring in a candle but meh the hot water lasts for max five minutes so I’m not going to go to too much trouble tonight.

I pull open my vanity drawer to get my toothbrush out and I’m stopped in my tracks.

What is that?

I’m looking down into my drawer and see something green on top of my toothbrush and the other few things in there. I slowly pick it up in the air, and realise it’s just undies.

Hold on, why the heck are her undies in my drawer? This is weird. As I’m holding them up in the air they start to turn a bit, as they turn I see more. Oh dear, oh please no!! They’re covered in period blood.

I drop them to the ground and frantically grab my towel and bolt to my room.

I sit on the edge of my bed contemplating what I’ve just seen. I then slowly walk back into the bathroom, music is still playing but it’s annoying me the way it does when the radio’s playing loudly when trying to reverse your car into a tight park.

I turn it off and look at the ground. I pick the bloody undies up and toss them in the bin, followed by my toothbrush.

Relax your clenched butt and close your gaping mouth, unfortunately not for long as I have more stories to tell, none with happy endings but only truths from living with her.