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Parents, this should definitely not be your kids' last craft project before school goes back.

 

Em Rusciano

In these tough economic times it is important to find ways to…

Oh man, I can’t even finish that sentence because, you guys; I found a dude who home makes his own sex dolls.

In a home craft abomination that would make Tonia Todman weep, this “artist” known only as Zepplin_Weapon (that is, to the Reddit community where he first debuted his..  his… errr… masking tape mistress) has constructed an entire lady friend out of, well, from what I can gather…

Hospital waste.

The core ingredients appear to be some moisturiser, sticky tape, high pressure bandages, a couple of 80’s cover girls and, my favourite part, a pair of runners! Because a health conscious homemade sex doll is a happy homemade sex doll.

You KNOW you totally want to see it, don’t even pretend you don’t want to see it. I warn you the photos are equal parts horrifying and mesmerising. In theory they are NSFW but it really is just a bunch of junk and Sarah Michelle Gellar’s head.

Truth be told they probably need *TCNBUS or *DNTTAH warnings.

Have you recovered?

Do you need a shower?

I can’t articulate why these images are so frightening to me. I mean, who am I to judge what floats another person’s boat? Some people like to have their ear delicately nibbled on and others like to stick their bits into lubed up vacuum cleaner parts resplendent in runners and circulation bandages.

I guess I am a little bit relieved that this guy is off the streets and expressing his creativity in the comfort of his own home/basement/dungeon.

You didn’t think I would actually stop there did you? What kind of blogger-come-writer-come-faux journalist would I be if I didn’t at least Google “home made sex toys”? I’d be a less mentally disturbed one, that’s for sure. I’d be one that wasn’t now having graphic dreams involving couches, zip lock bags and warm towels.

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The easiest and most convenient one I came across, for men, was something called a “Fifi”. I don’t know why it is called that and I think we are a little too far in now to question the magic don’t you?

Em’s guide on how to make a Fifi:

Ingredients: Towel, rubber glove, lubricant.

1. Fold a tower into a rectangle, longways.

2. Get a rubber glove and place it with the open side out.

3. Fold the towel around the glove so that it creates a tight hole.

4. Stretch the open part of the glove over the end part of the towel nearest the glove, creating a tight hole of rubber.

5. Apply lubricant.

6. Make sweet, sweet love to Fifi.

My favourite DIY pleasure craft was one called “Sponge Bob, no pants”. This involved a couple of soda bottles, bubble wrap, 2 sponges and some masking tape. It is apparently the most popular home made sex toy or as some sites were calling this type of project – pocket vaginas.

Hold up? What? Pocket vaginas you say?

So, the theory here is that blokes just pop one of these creations into their pocket along with their wallets and keys and should the mood strike… “Oh good gracious look at what I just happen to have here in my pocket!”

Alas, the only cheap way for women to join the fun is with a trip to the fruit and veg shop.

What about us Em? (I hear you ladies yelling at me.) Girls, sadly there have not been that many advancements for us in this arena. Apparently the fruit and veg section is still your friend. Just remember to wrap it up first and if you are planning on putting it somewhere other than the usual spot, it needs to have a flared base or you’ll end up an ER doctor’s amusing anecdote.

On a practical note; I think they could have a whole new section at Bunnings. That’ll give those ads starring their earnest well meaning employees a bit of spice!

Happy crafting you guys!

*This Can Not Be Un-Seen

*Do Not Try This At Home

We don’t even know what question to ask here. So, just… discuss.

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