"My daughter-in-law is raising my grandchildren wrong, should I intervene?"

This reader wrote in looking for some advice.

It’s always the same for mothers of grown up boys.

After being number one for 20 or 30 years, we are suddenly cast into second, third or forth position.

Do you realise that when you marry our sons? How you take them from us?

I’ve actually accepted it now that both my boys are married.

I knew there would be a time when they turned more to their wife’s family than me.

You hear it all the time as a mother of boys you see…the old adage: “A son is a son until he finds him a wife, a daughter’s a daughter for the rest of your life.”

It is a little heartbreaking at first I admit, but you cope, you move through the pain and learn acceptance.

When it becomes difficult is when your grandchildren come along.

I have two wonderful grandkids aged three and five.

The times that I see them are some of the most delightful of my life.

What is grating is that the already fraught relationship I had with my daughter-in-law has stretched to breaking point now that I have gone from simple mother-in-law to Grandma.

I have a place in their lives, a role, and she simply doesn’t seem to understand what value I can give.

I understand that the first person she will turn to for advice is her own mother, and I am sure that I did that too so I empathise.

I learnt to hold my tongue and keep my opinions to myself; I learnt to respect her as my son’s choice as a partner.

When I see my grandchildren with just my son I don’t hold back, but when she is around I modify myself.

Things are getting out of control though with some of the ways she is bringing up my grandchildren and I wonder whether I have kept to myself for long enough and it’s time to speak up.

It started with small things - like the way she is teaching them to speak. The phrases sound awful coming from the mouths of little ladies. They use that terrible “haitch” sound instead of “aitch” and even, at time swearing.

But I never say a word when she is around, instead whenever I have them on my own I correct them and show them the right way to speak.

It then began to manifest in their wardrobes.

I think of myself as being fairly fashionable for a woman in my late 50s and I feel that I can impart some of that on my granddaughters.

But my daughter-in-law couldn’t care less about dressing them in nice clothes. Every item I buy clothing for them she places it in a drawer for “nice outfits” and they never get worn.

Some even have the labels left on! (I check whenever I go over.)

But my main concern is their diet. I just can’t understand how, with all the information out there, she can feed them the rubbish she does.

I’ve tried to talk to my son about it but he is under her spell and isn’t going to listen to me.

I am not trying to interfere, just assist, but I feel like my efforts are thwarted at every turn.

I don’t know whether to confront her or whether to simply do what I am doing, which is to covertly try and educate them about their food, clothing and lifestyle choices when their mother is not around.

Whenever I have them for the day (which isn’t as often as I would like) I dress them properly – like ladies. I try to teach them about the importance of a good diet. I show them (and correct them) on the right way to speak, but by the time I see them again it has done no good.

They are back to how she likes them.

We only live a few suburbs away and I don’t want to be ex-communicated I just want to be a part of their lives.

That’s why I am turning to you, to other young mothers for advice on how you think I can stop my daughter-in-law transforming my glorious granddaughters into people who I simply don’t like.

What do you think she should do?

Want more? Try:

Am I normal? I don’t want my Mother In Law in the delivery room.

How to be the perfect daughter-in-law. According to your new mum.

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