The definitely NSFW sex tips for women that don’t suck. Ahem.

Too often sex tips for women completely ignore women. And you know what? We’ve had enough.

Are you sick of magazines telling you to “spice things up”? Or that moment of self-doubt that follows clicking on an article entitled “Ten-things-you-didn’t-know-were-things-you-have-been-doing-wrong-this-whole-time-because-you-are-obviously-an-incompetent-lover”?

You’re not alone.

Being informed about sex is great and I’m all for gaining confidence in the bedroom through your reading material, but too often when it comes to sex advice for women, well, it just f*cking sucks. Take some of these classic pearls of wisdom, which women’s magazines have inflicted on the sisterhood over the years.

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No.

Like this:

“Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.”

Or this:

“Feed each other ice cream (in the dark). Not being able to see means more spilling, which means more licking up the mess.”

Or this:

“Slip a doughnut around his penis, and slowly eat it off.”

That last tip lead to this conversation in our office.

MM employee 1: “Once I read a suggestion to place a doughnut on your man’s penis and sexily eat it off.”

MM employee 2: “Is there a sexy way to eat a donut in that context, or any context?”

MM employee 1 (confused): “The hole in a donut is kinda small.”

MM employee 2: “Unless you had a cronut style donut. They’re a bit bigger I believe.”

MM employee 1: “But cronut holes are also small. I just ate one, I should know… Not from a penis though.”

Putting aside the fact that each of the above is inexplicably food related, they are also explicitly focussed on male pleasure. On getting yo’ man off.

These tips aren’t just absurd, they’re damaging.

Not only do they perpetuate ridiculous hetero-stereotypes and completely ignore the diversity of sexual relationships, they also ask women to prioritise their own desires behind those of their partner’s, which is 100% not on.

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This is obviously bullshit, so we’ve compiled some tips of our own to help you to have better sex with your significant other and/or CSP (casual sex partner).

1. You need to think about you. And so does you partner.

Sex should be satisfying for everyone involved. If only one party is having a good time, then they are being a selfish idiot and you have every right to tell them so.

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2. Talk to each other.

Not just whispering sexy sweet nothings or dirty talk. Communicate. Tell your partner what feels good, what doesn’t and what you’d like to try. If you’re not into it, say so.

3. Be safe.

Use a condom. STIs are on the rise, especially among young Australians. Nearly 85,000 new cases of chlamydia have been reported since 2012, along with increasing rates of HIV and gonorrhoea, according to the Department of Health.

4. There’s nothing wrong with doing it regular.

It’s OK to like regular sex. You can forget all the bells and whistles, sometimes good sex is just that. Good sex. Don’t worry about “keeping it interesting”, just try “keeping it in your comfort zone.” One MM employee almost drowned trying to give a blowjob in a spa, just FYI.

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5. There’s also nothing wrong with doing it irregularly.

There’s no magic number for a perfect partnership. The amount you have or don’t have sex shouldn’t be determined by anyone other than you and your partner.

6. Don’t take it too seriously.

Sex is funny. Don’t pretend like it’s not. Like, it’s really funny.

7. It should go without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway. Consent.

There has to be enthusiastic and continuous consent.

8. You can always have sex alone.

You don’t need a partner to have sex and there is nothing wrong with a little menage-a-moi. Flick that bean. Play that clitar. You do you.

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9. Stop trawling the internet for sex tips and go have some sex you lazy idiot.

We know this is important because we are speaking to you from inside the internet. No one knows what feels good for you, other than you. So go figure it out. Or don’t. Not having sex is fine too.

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