I didn’t realise I would lose him so young. I thought we had at least another 20 good years left together – 10 minimum. But it’s time to admit that I lost a good man to a terrible affliction:
It started innocently enough of course. It always does. But like any addiction, there’s always a gateway drug. His was a Christmas party that was so enlightening that it soon became an obsession.
I guess I should have seen it coming but it happened so quickly. One minute he was "filling in to make up the four for a mate" every now and again - then suddenly he was playing in a serious golf competition and was working on his "handicap". Golf now consumes his every waking thought (and hopes and dreams).
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for my partner having a hobby independent of me. Hell, I actively encouraged it. But when a hobby becomes all-consuming, to the point where his eyes glaze over unless you’re talking about a sand wedge or a birdie, you know you’ve lost him.
If he's not playing golf, he's driving balls at the local range, or practicing his swing with some bullshit contraption in the backyard that cost more than a small African nation's budget or, failing that, he's just sitting down on the couch, hogging the television and watching some old guy drone on about how to swing a five iron. How many ways can there be, I ask you? Seriously, HOW MANY?!
There were signs of course I'd lose him of course. I just didn't recognise them until it was too late.
So how do you know if you’re partner is also a golf addict?
1. He’s seriously considered getting in a round of golf on the morning of your wedding (and then actually did it).
2. You've caught him watching an entire hour long infomercial on the golf channel without moving once.
3. He has played in light to medium-strength snow. Because why let a little frostbite stop you?
4. He has taken his own putter to mini golf.
5. You've had at least one washing machine destroyed by a stray golf tee.
6. You’ve caught him using the kid's sandpit to practice his bunker skills.
7. You’d actually prefer to find some porn in his search history than 'Aussie Golfer'.
8. You have more types of nets in your backyard than a fishing boat.
9. One of his hands is far more tanned than the other.
10. He can recite his last 5 scores, but has no idea how old his Mum is.
11. He calls in to work sick so he can wait at home for his new clubs to arrive.
12. He keeps his clubs in the boot of the car at all times “just in case”.
13. The sight of a perfectly manicured lawn is now more exciting to him than the sight of Cindy Crawford topless.
14. He’s been known to to start swinging his shoulders and pivoting his hips in the middle of conversations.
15. You’ve found him using the TV remote to practice his swing.
16. He can’t wait for you to go to bed each night so he can watch the golf channel.
17. This has been his thought process at least one point in time: “Lightning? What lightning? I can still get a round in.”
18. He has spent thousands of dollars each year on new clubs to improve his game. Only to get worse. And then blame it on his new clubs.
19. He’s said the following to you “Not tonight love, I have a 7am tee time”.
20. Your backyard is full of divots. Yet when the dog digs a hole, he’s the worst in the world.
21. He’s started to take Golf Digest into the toilet with him instead of the Victoria’s Secret catalogue.
22. You’ve heard him whisper into the phone: "I really like Arnold Palmer's balls" - and you aren’t even mad.
There are many, MANY more indications of course, that I have now lost the man I once married to a game with a club and a ball. Maybe yours fell under the spell of cycling or surfing or even fishing. Whatever his predilection, one thing we all have in common is that we are now widows. Wonder if there's a wine widows appreciation group?
If you are a sporting widow, you might appreciate this quick video:
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