The six lessons we learned from the Golden Globes red carpet.

The 71st annual Golden Globes were on today in LA, and they were eventful. The red carpet was flooded with sewage and water. Emma Watson proved she can wear whatever the hell she wants, including Secret Leggings. Kerry Washington, Olivia Wilde and Drew Barrymore made pregnancy look stunning. The “Skoll every time Amy Adams looks like she might have a nip slip” drinking game from American Hustle continued throughout the entire ceremony.

Oh, and famous people won awards for making movies and television shows… but we won’t tell you who just yet.

If you don’t have time to watch the whole ceremony, just hold onto these very important lessons…

Girls S4 starts tonight…

1. Lena Dunham is possibly trolling us.

We’ve got a theory about our beloved Ms Dunham: that she deliberately chooses unflattering clothes to get us talking. Because let’s be honest, you don’t leave the house in a canary-yellow strapless dress a few sizes too small for you without an ulterior motive.

The fourth season of her show Girls premieres tonight, so any publicity is good publicity… And that includes the “can’t breathe because my breasts are crushed by this bodice” kind. Girl needs to get to the underwear department of David Jones for a proper bra-fitting by an inappropriately grabby grandmother-aged woman.

Helen Mirren, mega-babe.

2. Forty years of age is this year’s hottest red carpet accessory.

Yeah yeah, shiny young things like Taylor Swift, Hayden Panettiere and Alison Williams all looked predictably gorgeous, but most of the stars truly in the Jaw Dropping category are over 40. And don’t we love that. The honour roll of over-40 babes:

The hottest 68-year-old on the planet, Helen Mirren.

Robin Wright (whose man Ben Foster just put a ring on it) is 47 years of hot.

Cate Blanchett did 44 years proud in a floor-length spiderweb inspired dress, and Laura Dern looked fierce at 46.

Forty three is magic for Julie Bowen, Uma Thurman, and Tina Fey.

Emma Thompson, who hit the stage with a martini in one hand and her discarded Louboutin heels in the other, makes 54 look spectacular.

3. A full-skirted gown can double up as a tent 

Sofia’s not carrying a handbag. Could it be because she stores everything in her skirt?

During her interview with Closest Thing To A Real Life Ken, Ryan Seacrest, Sofia Vergara joked about her dress: “I feel like I’m wearing a tent! There’s a little Colombian living under here!”

But really, the skirt is so damn voluminous we can neither confirm nor deny the residency of a small Colombian person in there. She could have her whole styling team hanging out down there, for all we know. Look, we’re impressed.


4. Velvet is back.

Given that Matthew McConaughey’s natural clothing preference is full-frontal nudity, when the man chooses to flaunt a fabric, it’s a big deal. Doing his very best Wizard of Oz impression, McConaughey wore an emerald green velvet jacket – and we dig it.

Yay or nay?

5. Amy Poehler and Tina Fey continue to be a two-woman zing machine

Just some highlights from their opening monologue…

The Golden Globe for Best One-Liner goes to…

“Matt Damon is here, from Behind the Candelabra. Matt, on any other night in any other room you would be a big deal, but tonight, and don’t take this the wrong way, you’re basically a garbage person.”

“Bradley Cooper is here, from American Hustle. Interesting trivia, the original title of that movie was Explosion at the Wig Factory.”

“Gravity is nominated for best film. It’s the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.”

“Before earning a Golden Globe nomination for his first-ever acting role in Captain Phillips, Barkhad Abdi was working as a limousine driver in Minnesota. And there’s such a beautiful life lesson here, people: Sleep with your limo driver tonight, before he gets famous.”

The Wolf of Wall Street shocked viewers by using the F-word 506 times in three hours, which is a new record – unless you count my dad trying to hang some curtain rods.”

But Call of the Night goes to Tina Fey, for this flawless one-liner: “Like a supermodel’s vagina, let’s give a warm welcome to Leonardo di Caprio.”


6. Jennifer Lawrence remains stupendously normal.

Yep, JLaw still hasn’t consulted a publicist for even the most basic of media training.

She greeted the mob of waiting media with total, adorable bewilderment: “I have no idea what I’m doing here, it is insane…” she said, looking genuinely awkward. “You guys have to interrupt or I’ll just keep trailing off… Interrupt! Interrupt! Interrupt!”

JLaw told a little tale about playing tickle monster with her stylist’s son Skylar, tells everyone she needs to catch up on her drinking, and walks off unceremoniously when she gets bored. So, in summary, she remains the only celebrity totally devoid of pretentiousness. What a woman.

And just in case you missed the red carpet fashion today….