George Clooney’s mother has confirmed that her son is officially “engaged“. She said she’s “extremely happy”.
Please, Mrs Clooney, let’s remember to use the correct language here.
George has been “tamed”. He’s been “tied down”. He’s been tricked into marriage by a lady human, because that’s what lady humans do best.
Oh, and we’re not “happy” about this news. We don’t celebrate the engagement of the world’s most desirable bachelor; we mourn it. Some would say George’s engagement is a sign of the apocalypse – that’s how shocking it is that a famous, handsome man would give up the bachelor lifestyle. Seriously though, real humans who work at The Wall St Journal Marketwatch said this:
As for the woman George is engaged to? Amal Alamuddin‘s greatest achievement in life is convincing a movie star to marry her. Never mind that she’s a humanitarian lawyer with an Oxford education who speaks three languages and used to advise UN secretary Kofi Annan. She’s beautiful and she’s caught a famously single man in her web of sneaky womanliness. She will forever be known as Amal Alamuddin: Bachelor Tamer.
That’s how the media has been spinning this news. Here’s the MailOnline:
Later, they answered their own question:
Apparently, because Amal declined George’s first few dinner invitations, this makes her a marriage mastermind. It was, obviously, part of her master plan to lure George into commitment; she couldn’t possibly have had something else on her mind or been unsure about getting involved with a mega-star.
For tabloid media, Amal is just another woman who’s thinking with her ovaries and her heart. We’ve been rolling out the same tired narrative of Woman Tricks Man Into Monogamy forever.