Dan Debuf recaps Game of Thrones: Season 5, Episode 5

Let’s do this.

We’re back, fellow Westerosis! Last episode left us on the exciting yet heartbreaking cliffhanger – Grey Worm and Barristan lying dead-like in a pile of Sons of the Harpy. Are they alive? Well, thankfully the episode started shortly after the last left off: you can tell that Grey Worm is still alive-ish because he is in bandages and has only one person – who obviously loves him – tending to him; whereas, as I assumed, Barristan has definitely died, because everyone is talking about him in past tense.

As I also said – now Dany has no cool, calm, collected adviser to steer her in a level-headed direction. I knew she’d get a little carried away – maybe, say, round up the heads of the noble families and give them a stern talking to. Or even poke them with some spears. Or maybe – just maybe – get the dragons to snap at them a bit.

But this?

I can’t see how cooking someone will engender them to you at all. Most people, after being cooked and eaten, make lousy allies.

At the wall, the other surviving Targaryen, Maester Aemon, is sharing with Jo Snow the kind of wisdom you can only have at 100 years of age – f*** the haters, do what you gotta do. That said, he also bungles the “winter is coming” catch phrase. “Winter is almost upon us” is not what my t-shirt says, Maester Aemon – but at 100 years of age, who cares.

Kill the boy, Jon Snow. Heed the words of A-Targ.

Jon Snow does heed this advice, and meets with Tormund, who pitches a seaside fun trip to the evocatively named Hardhome. In what will become a symbolic “unbinding” trope in this episode, Jon Snow unshackles Tormund, and then pitches to all the Night’s Watch his plan to settle the wildlings. This does not go well. But will Jon stick to his guns?  KILL THE BOY JON. NOT THE REAL BOY OLLY DON’T LITERALLY KILL HIM KILL THE FIGURATIVE BOY THE ONE INSIDE YOU JON.

Meanwhile Brienne and Pod are holed up in a nice BNB: open fireplace, Winterfell views, not much in the way of furniture, but you know, homely. They need to work out a plan… how to get to Sansa… but hark! A local geriatric in a hat-with-flaps approaches! He decides to help her, but only after a fierce instance of Suspicious Larry David Eyes.

Seriously!

…OK.

We pan across to Winterfell. Considering “winter is coming,” Myranda sure is doing a lot of standing around naked in front of an open window. She will catch a death of a chill! But then again, personal safety can’t be much of a concern for her: she is hoping to marry committed sadist Ramsay Bolton after all. At least they have the same taste in lip-biting, window-standing, no-eye-contact lovemaking.

Ramsay’s actual betrothed, Sansa, back in her fierce and feathery goth ensemble that she made herself, is looking at a tower I’m sure we all find very familiar: it’s the same one Jaime pushed Bran from in episode one. The scenes featuring Sansa in Winterfell have been heavy on the nostalgia. For example, last episode, you might have seen Sansa down in the crypt playing with a feather. Well, that’s an important feather:

These layers of detail make me love this show!

Myranda is scheming: after some compliments about Sansa’s haberdashery skills, she decides to lure Sansa down into the kennels, where there was a surprise present for her! I don’t think anyone was expecting a box of choccies or a tasteful bouquet… instead, behind door number three we have: the mentally and physically scarred murderer of your brothers! I hope Myranda kept the receipt.

Can I be honest? I don’t know why, but some part of me was thinking that it would have been Arya’s direwolf Nymeria in there. I guess the barking dogs… all the Winterfell nostalgia… I got carried away, OK guys? But did anyone else dare to dream this?

Ramsay is still toying with Reek, both in private, and in public. Brienne can honestly not come soon enough: these dinners at the Bolton table are grim as. Next time you’re at an awkward dinner party with your partner’s parents, just think: you could be Sansa.

Ramsay gets a little bit of comeuppance though: he’s going to have a little brother. After a bit of logistical discussion – body shaming is never cool, Ramsay – Ramsay gets to the crux of the issue: this true-born heir better not usurp his claim to the Bolton riches. Roose uses his explanation to audition for Tywin 2.0, and assures Ramsay that he might be baseborn, but he’s still loved, just in whatever weird way the Boltons love each other. Like their “hey son, let’s go have sex under a dying corpse and then skin a man” kind of way.

Before heading off on his journey, Stannis pops in with Sam to basically just say “keep reading” and refresh everyone’s minds about Sam killing a white walker; and then pop in number two with Davos to announce that they march at sunrise, which I’m sure sounds awesome in his mind, but which just makes me think of Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon.

And then they’re off – Stannis is taking the whole gang, even Melisandre, who won’t be able to boob-proposition Jon any more, and Shirreen, whose face comes in handy for foreshadowing purposes.

We go back to Mereen before the close of the episode: Grey Worm is awake, and like many people going through near-death experiences, he’s worked out his true priorities: he loves Missandei. And size must be *really* not important to her, because she’s keen too. But that’s not the only conscious coupling going on in the pyramid.

The most awkward marriage proposal since Blake Garvey has taken place: Dany basically unilaterally delared marriage on Hizdahr. The Jorah-Dany-Daario love triangle has been busted open buy a snivelling sycophant! And he got his fighting pits. And to think seconds ago he was expecting to be char-grilled and served to flying reptiles. That’s a WIN!

Finally we go back to our favourite Love Boat: Tyrion and Jorah. They decide to go past Valyria, which has a couple of things going for it: looks like a seaside Ankgot Wat, has good ambiance for reciting poetry; and one major downside: terrifying raspy stone zombies.

The ensuing fight was tense, and Game of Thrones pulled a major jerk move by fading to black, making us all think that was it for our hero… but then the credits never appeared… and then we got the blurry face of Jorah. He saved Tyrion! Symbolic deshackling! And then… the peek of greyscale. This does not bode well. Don’t scratch that Jorah: get thee to an apothecary quick smart.

FINAL THOUGHTS

GEOGRAPHICALLY CONSTRAINED EPISODE. We spent a lot of time in Winterfell and Castle Black this episode. In fact, aside from the open and closing scenes, those were the only places we visited. No King’s Landing, no Dorne, no Braavos. In fact, this ep was a bit of a dull one: some boobs, only one death – in fact, one “come back to life”, so really, zero total deaths. But the one death was by dragon fire, which is epic.

In fact, let’s see that gif again:

Yeah actually that’s cool.

These duller, manouever-filled episodes are the ones you get around the middle of the series, setting up all sorts of battles: Stannis marching on Winterfell, the Sand Snakes versus Jaime, etc. So be patient, enjoy the intrigue, and take a dragon roasting/lip biting when it comes!

HERO OF THE EPISODE. Stannis with the mad grammar knowledge! Epic shut down which I’m sure all the pedants among us would have applauded. Watch out supermarkets of Westeros!

DOOM RULES VALYRIA. But we all know, it just rules in general:

That’s it for this week guys! See you in Dorne next week? Braavos? Who knows, the Summer Islands? Now that we’re massively deiviating from the books – and the leaked episodes are out of the way – it really is an exciting time! See you then!

Missed Dan’s other Game of Thrones recaps?

Season 5, Episode 4. 

Season 5, Episode 3.

Season 5, Episode 2.

Season 5, Episode 1.

What was your favourite thing about this week’s episode?