We need to talk about Uncle Jesse's sexual chemistry with Stephanie Tanner...

Full House is back. Twenty-five years since it went off the air, the 80s favourite is now Fuller House.

But no one is talking about the show. They’re only talking about one man. Uncle Jesse – John Stamos – and the sexual musk that is oozing out of him and creeping into every crevice of the rebooted show.

That’s right. John Stamos is so steamy, people are a little creeped out. More specifically, they’re creeped out by his obvious sexy, sexy chemistry with the women who used to play his young wards on the show. Uncle Jesse stood in loco parentis to DJ and Stephanie Tanner, but now he’s got some loco frisson with them as adults.

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Today on News.com.au, Kayla Cobb from the New York Post is very disturbed by what she’s seeing:

Between Steph’s new, um … more adult look and John Stamos’ natural chemistry with the world, it feels like there’s something going on between Stephanie and her uncle. Now I’m going to have to scrub my brain from even thinking about that. Have mercy, Fuller House. Please. For our sanity.”

Some parents are also a bit concerned about the sexual overtones of the reboot. The Inquisitr wrote about the innuendo controversy.

“There is plenty of sexual undertones in Fuller House, including an under the radar masturbation joke involving Stephanie and her volcano-making nephew that will likely go over kids’ heads, but was still shocking to some fans. In another scene, Uncle Jesse asks his wife Rebecca (Lori Loughlin) if she’s exhausted from what they did last night. He also makes a joke about semen.”

[Note, it is a very good joke about semen.]

Parents Tweeted their shock at the racy subtext:

Now this doesn’t seem very fair on Uncle Jesse.

And it’s definitely not fair on John Stamos, who plays the Elvis-loving heart-breaker, and was the driving force behind the show’s reboot on Netflix.

Anyone who has ever opened a copy of Smash Hits, a dictionary or their eyes knows: John Stamos is sex. It pours from his every pore.

Greece gave us democracy. But by far it’s most glorious gift to the world is John Phillip Stamos (FACT: The character of Uncle Jesse was originally named Jesse Cochran – but Stamos didn’t feel like that name sufficiently reflected his Greek heritage, so he ensured the character’s name was changed to Katsopolis in season two. Yes, he’s that great a guy).

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Uncle Jesse and Stephanie.

Stamos is so sexy, he has contributed to a book to help other people be better at sex called “How to F*ck a Woman”. In it he gives a number of sex tips, including this gem: “I’d rather have a woman have 10 orgasms than me have 10 orgasms.” That’s right, Stamos is a giver. He also likes to listen: “It’s about listening, asking, talking . . . I guess I do approach sex in a musical way. With me, it’s more rhythm than melody with a woman . . . but it’s all listening . . . With women, you have to listen to their bodies.” Basically, “How to F*ck a Woman” is a book for everyone who isn’t John Stamos.

Look, even Stamos himself knows how good looking he is as Uncle Jesse. Post continues below…

Video via Netflix

Because the biggest sex tip of all is this: Be John Stamos.

Just how sexy is he? Put it this way: Kim Kardashian may have broken the Internet by wearing no pants on the cover of Paper Magazine – but when John Stamos went pants-less in the same mag, he didn’t just break the Internet, he invited the Internet out to dinner then took it home and gave it ten orgasms.

Witness the power:

John Stamos no pants
John Stamos sans pants, via Paper Mag.

So it’s somewhat unfair to say that Fuller House is icky because Uncle Jesse seems to have chemistry with Stephanie Tanner who was once a child in his care.

Uncle Jesse also has chemistry with Aunt Becky. He has chemistry with Kimmy Gibbler. He even has chemistry with that weird woodchuck puppet that Uncle Joey carries around.

He has chemistry with everyone because he’s played by John Stamos.

Put anyone (ANYONE!) in a scene with John Stamos, it’s going to be sexy.

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He also has chemistry with Aunt Becky.

Stamos’ charisma can’t be held back. Some forces can’t be controlled. You can’t lasso a whirlwind.

The same force that keeps the moon in our orbit is what keeps John Stamos at the centre of our sexual universe.

Perhaps the new series should have come with a warning: “This show contains Stamos. Don’t watch this show with children. You’ll definitely want to be by yourself while you’re watching this.”

ps: You’ll probably want to be alone while you watch this too:

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