When custody disputes go horribly wrong, we all hear about the fallout. But how do you keep such an emotionally charged situation civil?
The deaths of Gary Hutchings and his four-year-old daughter Eeva shocked the nation last week. The pair vanished after a custody visit and last week their bodies were found in rugged bushland in Pottsville in NSW after an apparent murder-suicide. Hutchings and Eeva’s mother Michelle Dorendahl were involved in a bitter custody dispute over their daughter, and Hutchings was reportedly worried that Michelle was about to take Eeva out of the country.
We asked Clinical Psychologist Jo Lamble, who says this case serves as a 'frightening wake up call for anyone going through child custody disputes', how parents can avoid custody battles becoming a nightmare.
This is what she said:
It’s really quite simple – if you keep your children’s best interests in mind at all times, custody battles can be kept as peaceful as possible. Divorce is very painful, especially when the split means that you will be spending less time with your children. And if you didn’t want the relationship to end, there can be this sense that you shouldn’t miss out when it comes to the financial settlement or access to the children. If you can no longer stand the sight of your ex-partner, the idea of your children being influenced by this person can be truly torturous. Birthdays and Christmas can be particularly difficult times for divorcing parents because the thought of not being with your child on their birthday is heartbreaking. And if the other parent wants to relocate to another city, state or country, desperation can creep in at the thought of being separated. But there are so many parents who successfully negotiate custody following a divorce and their children cope so much better as a result. These parents let the children know that both their parents love them. The children do not feel in any way responsible for the break-up and most importantly, they do not feel like pawns in a game of chess.
The seven golden rules for how parents succeed in protecting their children:
- Making decisions that are best for the children;
- Never quizzing the children about life in the other house;
- Never criticising the other parent;
- Allowing the children to contact the other parent whenever it’s appropriate;
- Keeping promises;
- Being flexible with arrangements for the children’s sake;
- Keeping the lines of communication about the kids open;
- Sharing concerns about their welfare;
- Never criticising any new partner.
