By BERN MORLEY
If you were to consult a proper (dignified, science-based) publication about the major milestones that you hit during your pregnancy, it would tell you that there are three major pregnancy stages, hence the word ‘trimester’.
As a layperson, who am I to argue with the experts? But as a mother now three times over, I know for sure that there are at least five stages, five CLEAR stages of pregnancy. Sure, this is less scientific but, I think, more accurate:
1. The ‘Holy shit, I’m pregnant’ Stage
This is, regardless of want, met with a certain amount of panic and disarray. We’ve all been that woman sitting on the toilet, peeing on a stick, seeing the two blue or pink parallel lines come into startling clarity.
For me, at the age of 23, unmarried, due to be wed in nine months and half-way through a degree, met with QUITE the surprise. A pleasant, beautiful and with hindsight, welcome surprise but I don’t care who you are, how much you’ve longed for or wanted to be a mother, it is met with these two words: HOLY. SHIT.
2. The ‘Why do I feel like I am perpetually hung-over?’ Stage
Not so long afterwards, this next stage hits you with the proverbial hammer. No one can predict how this next stage will affect you. If you are one of the lucky few, you’ll sail through this. You’ll be all like – “Morning sickness? Pfft, I feel great!” and look, don’t take it personally, but almost every other pregnant woman suffering morning sickness will want to kill you.
I can’t count the amount of times I had to stop the car on the way into work and vomit into a bush and/or simply wish to take a nap out of pure exhaustion by around 1pm. After the panic and/or excitement leaves you, you will feel a bit shit, but hopefully not for too long. Around the 16-week mark, you should start to feel remarkably better.
3. The ‘Everyone thinks I’m getting fat but I’m really just growing a little human and I don’t know how to relay this without wearing a sign around my neck’ stage
So here’s where you awkwardly start to grow but not so obviously that people know what’s going on. You no longer fit into your jeans and you are at the non-committal stage where you refuse to buy maternity clothes because SURELY you can just get through this with your own wardrobe.