I once scared a penis back inside itself.
I’ve decided to tell my story now for the public good. Because I was trying one of those women’s mag sex tips, and it’s important to me that everybody knows: Those tips DO NOT WORK. So, if my humiliation can help at least one couple on their sexual journey, I’ll have done my duty.
I was young – I think about a year out of high school. I was with my first boyfriend and we had been each other’s first, so had totally gone through that wonderful period of realising our private parts connected and made special feelings happen. We then did the usual thing of trying to make our private parts connect in all the crazy ways we could think of because we couldn’t believe that this was a thing we actually got to do whenever we wanted.
But, as is the way with all relationships, the initial passion that results in you having sex anywhere happens to be a horizontal surface that eventually wears off. And my lovely boyfriend and I found ourselves in a bit of a boring sexual routine.
So, I did what any young, misguided woman was supposed to do when a sex problem was getting her down: I consulted a women’s mag. I was immediately informed that I was in what’s called a ‘sexual rut’.
I was also told that this was possibly the worst thing that could happen to any young lady who would like to hold on to her man. “Shit,” I thought. “I’m a young lady and I’d like to hold on to my man.” I actually hadn’t realised my man was trying to get away from me but I suddenly became very desperate to make sure that that didn’t happen.
I should point out here that I know all this is ridiculous. I know this NOW.
But back then, I had no clue what was what. It was my first proper relationship; I had no idea that the initial passion grows into something deeper and blah blah blah love blah. All I knew is that the sex had gone from 15 times a week to five and this magazine was telling me that was my fault. But that they also had a solution.
I can’t remember exactly what the article was called but I’m sure it included the words ‘hot’ and ‘sizzling’ and lots of exclamation marks. And probably the word BLOW in capital letters.
There were a bunch of very complicated tips I could use to save my doomed relationship and keep my man. I picked the one I thought would be the cheapest (I was a student) and the simplest (I was terrified).
Basically, I was instructed to find a bow, like the one you put on top of a gift box. Then, I was meant to tell my man I had a ‘present’ for him. My job was to get him excited by sending him texts all day reminding him of the aforementioned present. Then, when he was sufficiently excited, I had to tell him that it was time for his present but first he had to lay down on the bed and close his eyes…
Then, I was supposed to give him an erection (no explanation provided – just get him there). Once he was sufficiently aroused, I was to take the bow and put it on his penis. At that moment, he was finally allowed to open his eyes, and he would immediately look down to see his penis gussied up like a present.
That was when I was supposed to say something along the lines of “Surprise! Your present is a SIZZLING HOT head job that will BLOW your mind!” I can’t quite believe the level of naivety that convinced me this would be sexy, but I went for it.
I texted him all day about an ‘amazing’ present I had for him. But by the afternoon, I had kind of lost interest in the game, so the texts trailed off and I forgot about the whole thing. So when he got to my house and demanded his amazing gift, I was a little thrown. “Oh yeah,” I thought. “That thing I was going to do…” I told him to close his eyes. “Oh!” he said, clearly excited now. “Is this a sexy present?”
“Yep,” I said, rummaging through my craft box looking for a bow. I hadn’t planned this very well. Not only did I not have a bow handy, I was also wearing flannelette pyjamas. And I was tired and in no mood for giving a head job.
By this point though, he was into it, and the mag told me if I didn’t do something drastic in the bedroom, our relationship would be over and I would (GASP!) not be married by the time I was 30. So I decided to improvise.
I found a pastel-pink piece of ribbon in my craft box. It seemed long enough that I would be able to do something sexy with it.
“Okaaaaay,” I said, trying out the sexiest voice I could muster. “It’s time for your preseeeent!” The poor guy was lying there with his eyes closed and his pants down, clearly expecting the most amazing sexual experience of his life.
I approached his penis with the ribbon. The most logical way to do it seemed to be to tie the ribbon around the shaft like a shoe lace. I tried that, but it just looked a bit… shit. And the pastel-pink colour wasn’t helping.
I spent the next couple of minutes trying to tie it a bunch of different ways, but no matter what I did, the ribbon just looked like it belonged around the neck of an itty-bitty puppy, tied in a dainty bow.
“What’s going on?” my boyfriend asked, clearly confused.
“Shut up,” I said in my sexiest voice. “I’m being seeeexy.”
Eventually, the ribbon was as good as it was going to get.
“Okay,” I said. “Open your eyes!”
He looked down at his penis, which I had managed to decorate with a very pretty piece of pink ribbon.
“What the fuck is that?” he asked.
“What?” I said. “It’s sexy. I’m giving you a sexy blow job present.”
“But why is my penis covered in a pretty hair ribbon?” He was perplexed.
“Um… Because… I wrapped it like a present? Sexy?”
We both looked down at his penis. I appeared to have shocked it back into itself. So now the pastel-pink ribbon was tied in a pretty bow around a soft looking pile of skin. I felt like I should name it Petunia and take it to high-tea.
We did not have sex that night.
So that’s what happened. The only sex tip I tried in my entire life ended with me tying a very pretty pink bow around my boyfriend’s penis.
You’ve been warned.
And just cos it feels like it’s where we’re at now, here’s a gallery of accidental penises for you to look at:
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