lifestyle

'What do you MEAN you don't watch any porn?' Em Rusciano puts it to you.

“I’m not saying I put in hours upon hours of P-time, for me it is a special occasion food.”

By EM RUSCIANO

I was chatting with a friend of mine last week about the hard hitting topic of the the apparent return of 70’s pubic hair (the bush is back guys, get on board) and quite naturally the conversation drifted towards porn. I innocently asked my lady pal what adult websites she had visited to which she replied: “I’m a good girl! I don’t watch porn!”

Say what now?

This girl works all day on-line, on the internet. I can’t believe that not ever once, her off clock perusing hasn’t found her at an adult sexy times site?

We all agree that the intent was invented for easily accessible porn right? I’ll also accept cat videos as another reason.

I pressed her further, “What do you MEAN you don’t watch any porn?”

“I’m a good girl, I don’t watch that stuff. Eww, gross.”

I’m not saying I put in hours upon hours of P-time, for me it is a special occasion food. Up until now, I didn’t consider myself a “bad girl” for not being against watching online adult entertainment.

As we speak I’m typing this resplendent in a unicorn onesie having just dropped my children off to school. I am not exactly the picture of depravity now am I? The onesie isn’t even crotchless!

Now I’m worried this is a thing. Is it a thing? Is my nonchalance towards porn a thing?

Also, what do feminists think of porn? Do feminists watch porn? Am I now a bad girl/misogynist supporting the exploitation of women in a male dominated industry? Am I placing unnecessary expectations on women to be hairless and overly enthusiastic when their man produces his wang? (On a side note, that is one of the things that does annoy me about this type of cinema. The reaction of the women to the man’s bits, like its a wonderful, unexpected surprise. Lady, you are in a latex, medical-themed leotard. Surely you knew this was going to happen?!)

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The titles of some of the movies are worth the price of the download alone! Some of my favourites re-worked efforts include:

Does watching porn really make you a pervert?! Really?!

Batman in Robin.

Legally Boned.

Saturday Night Beaver.

Lord of the G-Strings.

And of course my very favourite: Edward Penis Hands – guys he just wants to be treated like a normal person, OKAY?!

My friend’s reaction surprised me and sent me into a semi shame spiral. Do I need to think that hard about it? Oh GOD now when I write words like “hard” I worry about the innuendo you may all be picking up on.

I feel as though porn is more mainstream now, it no longer lays in the realm of men with bad comb overs, plastic zip up shoes and long trench coats. Quite a few of my friends watch it either alone or with their significant others and they all have excellent personal hygiene and clean records.

Now I worry I should perhaps be wrapping my laptop in a brown paper bag whenever I leave the house.

Am I wandering alone on a frontier here?

Are you a casual porn watcher?!

P.S. When you comment I want you to play the porn name game. First pet and first street name at the end of your thoughts. Mine would be Fluffy Collins. HA!

So, as Em said: Do you watch porn? And what’s your ‘porn name’?