Like a sledgehammer introducing itself to a delicate swan ice sculpture, I’m back with my recaps of The Voice. Did you miss me like the deserts miss the rain and the poets miss the pain? Of course you did.
Straight in, you guys, and we are knee-deep in a positive self-talk montage. Out of the dry ice, a determined blonde leather-clad lady called Louise emerges and she is already mentioning that once Liza Minnelli came to see her sing. To be fair, Liza probably didn’t know where she was but still we’re already at Liza? Surely that nugget should be squirrelled away for mad mind games later on?
Back story 411 – Louise has been trying to make it in LA for 10 years, mum is all like, “She could have been a lawyer, doctor, anything but she JUST HAD to be a singer.” Way to be supportive, mum. Louise steps out on stage like it is an Olympic 100m final (between you and I, she has the calves for it too!) Louise sings, hits some big notes and as a result Joel and Will.i.am turn around. Will says he can make her a superhero and conjures up the incredibly creative character of “Voice Lady”. Joel gets his sexy face on and starts mentioning capes. I fear we are a pair of handcuffs, a safe word and one mini tramp away from 50 shades of Madden. Louise picks Will because not creepy. Flash to mum being all emotional and proud that Lou stuck with singing. Not so much with the doctoring now.
We are back from the break and Will.i.am manages to casually mention that he has a “gadget facility” in LA. He did not confirm he owned frickin’ sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads but I strongly encourage you all to believe he does. He probably calls his crib “The Rhythm Lair” and when he comes up with a mad drum beat he calls Usher and says, “Hey Usher, listen to the mad drum beat, my frickin’ sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads came up with in France last night.” The Rhythm Lair has a electrokenetic presence in France and Tokyo, he had his gadget facility build a large tele-porter.
Next up is “YouTube sensation” Lij. I wonder if he demands to be addressed as such at all times? Does his mother yell “YouTube sensation Lij dinner is ready” each night? He wears a goofy hat, says things like “I want to take it to the next level” and makes young girls scream so he gets through. I fear retribution from his legions of small fans so I will refrain from saying his singing was meh. Oh oh. COME AT ME, TEENAGERS.
The delightful Emily Rex flounces onto our screens and we find out that her husband and she are in a band. Oh dear, this can’t end well. Emily announces that she is singing “Pure Imagination” from Willy Wonka and I look closer and I realise she is kinda dressed like Violet Beauregarde and everything feels a bit warped from here on out. Her singing was pleasant, Will turned to the lyric that mentioned turning so she picked him because she is splendid like that.