Like a sledgehammer introducing itself to a delicate swan ice sculpture, I’m back with my recaps of The Voice. Did you miss me like the deserts miss the rain and the poets miss the pain? Of course you did.
Straight in, you guys, and we are knee-deep in a positive self-talk montage. Out of the dry ice, a determined blonde leather-clad lady called Louise emerges and she is already mentioning that once Liza Minnelli came to see her sing. To be fair, Liza probably didn’t know where she was but still we’re already at Liza? Surely that nugget should be squirrelled away for mad mind games later on?
Back story 411 – Louise has been trying to make it in LA for 10 years, mum is all like, “She could have been a lawyer, doctor, anything but she JUST HAD to be a singer.” Way to be supportive, mum. Louise steps out on stage like it is an Olympic 100m final (between you and I, she has the calves for it too!) Louise sings, hits some big notes and as a result Joel and Will.i.am turn around. Will says he can make her a superhero and conjures up the incredibly creative character of “Voice Lady”. Joel gets his sexy face on and starts mentioning capes. I fear we are a pair of handcuffs, a safe word and one mini tramp away from 50 shades of Madden. Louise picks Will because not creepy. Flash to mum being all emotional and proud that Lou stuck with singing. Not so much with the doctoring now.
We are back from the break and Will.i.am manages to casually mention that he has a “gadget facility” in LA. He did not confirm he owned frickin’ sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads but I strongly encourage you all to believe he does. He probably calls his crib “The Rhythm Lair” and when he comes up with a mad drum beat he calls Usher and says, “Hey Usher, listen to the mad drum beat, my frickin’ sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads came up with in France last night.” The Rhythm Lair has a electrokenetic presence in France and Tokyo, he had his gadget facility build a large tele-porter.
Next up is “YouTube sensation” Lij. I wonder if he demands to be addressed as such at all times? Does his mother yell “YouTube sensation Lij dinner is ready” each night? He wears a goofy hat, says things like “I want to take it to the next level” and makes young girls scream so he gets through. I fear retribution from his legions of small fans so I will refrain from saying his singing was meh. Oh oh. COME AT ME, TEENAGERS.
The delightful Emily Rex flounces onto our screens and we find out that her husband and she are in a band. Oh dear, this can’t end well. Emily announces that she is singing “Pure Imagination” from Willy Wonka and I look closer and I realise she is kinda dressed like Violet Beauregarde and everything feels a bit warped from here on out. Her singing was pleasant, Will turned to the lyric that mentioned turning so she picked him because she is splendid like that.
Krishool, the dancer, pops and locks onto my screen and he announces that Will.i.am is his hero and that he will be performing a Will.i.am song. He hopes he remembers to actually sing as sometimes he gets carried away with the dancing, being a dancer and all. We hope you remember too, Krishool!
He does, Will turns around and BOOM the dream factory has its first client.
Cue, walking-in shot and we see former contestant “Not Guy” aka Chris Sebastian walking next to the son of Zeus aka hot Luke. Luke has always been Chris’s guitarist but was inspired by Chris doing The Voice last year and thought he would give it a crack. I’m not sure what Chris does now but that is not for The Voice to investigate… Wait why are there small ninjas at my door? RELAX YOU GUYS. I will not mention last year’s contestants. Then I think Luke sang but he also spoke directly to my beating heart so I was a bit side tracked. He got through, some may say on teeth alone.
Did you ask for a large floral headband, a lovely smile and a plus-sized model?! Meet Lauren Valentine, she is a plus-sized model and a singer. I am pretty sure she is a plus-sized model as the editors made sure she looked to say it six times in a row. Lauren (who is a plus-sized model) has a unique voice, it didn’t tickle any of the judges but I didn’t mind it. No chair turn for L train, I just hope she has a career to fall back on…
Next we meet Robbie. His back story is that sometimes, he feels shy.
P.S.: That is NOT a back story. Being scared to sing is something profesh singers sometimes feel, do better Robbie. Try harder. He gets up on stage and YEP he can really hold a tune, Kylie wants him bad you guys. She resorts to eluding to her illustrious vaj jay jay when she begs him to “join team Kylie” and Robbie doesn’t stand a chance. Robbie and Kylie has a nice ring to it, jump on board. (I want bonus points for that one.)
We’re almost at the end. Everyone has been perfectly OK, however, no one had really moved me. Do you even see how I haven’t mentioned our honey Latin sex God yet?! Do you see how Ricky’s sexual charisma has been suppressed due to lack of connection, Kylie’s lady parts and Will’s gadgets? We all need something, someone to make us feel feelings. Who will it be?! Well, it turns out to be a hipster ghetto opera singer who vacuums her brick walls. Elly stepped out onto the stage and tore “Mamma knows best” a new arse hole. All the judges spun around, fast, hard, desperate. Ricky was gently thrusting in his chair so as not to scare our chanteuse, Kylie was waving her teeny tiny arms, Will had a special megaphone made with a frickin’ laser beam – things got awkward fast.
Faced with such a choice, Elly went with the only person who was openly weeping delicate tears and who promised to give her his all and “take her on a sensual journey to sexy places” — our Ricky.
Here’s the contestants from last night (and then a few of our faves from last year…).
Were you watching The Voice last night? Who’s your pick so far?