Election 2013: “Given recent events we feel it is only fair that the public decide on the hottest candidate."

This post is heavy on the satire and under no circumstances should you imagine that any of the people mentioned in the post actually said any of these things.

You have been warned.

By SCOTT LIMBRICK

The communications team at the Australian Parliament recently announced that they would be adding a ‘hot or not’ feature to profiles of MPs and Senators at www.aph.gov.au.

“Given recent events we feel it is only fair that the public decide on the hottest candidate,” a spokesman said.

“This is an additional step to ensure the Australian people are aware of the attractiveness of their current representatives. Only then will they be able to make a fully informed decision on September 7.”

Following this move, the developers of ABC’s Vote Compass rushed to include additional questions such as “What colour hair do you prefer on people of the sex to which you are attracted?” and “Angelina Jolie or Audrey Hepburn?”

The ABC defended this shift, claiming that Vote Compass could only be a valuable tool if it reflected the changing nature of debate in the country.

In a rare show of bipartisanship, both Prime Minister Kevin Rudd and Opposition Leader Tony Abbott welcomed the new online platform’s ability to democratically rate the physical desirability of their politicians.

Yet each seemed convinced that their own party’s candidates would outperform the competition.

“Kate Ellis once snared 25 per cent of an internal poll on the sexiest parliamentarian,” boasted Rudd, “including members of the Coalition crossing the floor.”

“While many were ashamed that such a vote had been conducted at the time, now that sexiness is coming to the fore as a consideration for voters we are proud to have some solid data to back up our claim to being the sexiest political party.”

Abbott did not seem deterred, announcing that he would now be pushing for images to be placed on ballots alongside each candidate’s name.

“Sometimes a fair dinkum good looking candidate doesn’t have the nicest sounding name, and vice versa. We firmly believe that voters have the right to see those that may represent them in government before making their final decision.”

Abbott also hoped that the web-based ‘hot or not’ feature would be expanded to include candidates and not just sitting members.

Beyond bipartisanship, the drive towards looks-based voting has been almost unanimously supported across the country. Clive Palmer and Bob Katter this morning released a joint statement announcing a photo shoot of Palmer’s United Party and Katter’s Australia Party candidates in a forthcoming issue of GQ.

Zoo Magazine has offered its endorsement to any candidate willing to participate in a cover page beach shoot. However, it has been doing this for years.

“People often ask why I wear this hat,” noted Katter. “I believe the term for it nowadays is ‘peacocking’ – it draws attention and starts conversation. That’s about it, really.”

Even Greens Leader Christine Milne has supported the Coalition’s move towards placing portraits on ballots.

“Physical attractiveness is certainly as much a consideration for many voters as policy, integrity, and leadership, and this should be reflected through our political process.”

Labor Party elder Mark Latham last night held a press conference to share his agreement, calling for ‘hot or not’ votes to be publicised so that Australians could make a judgment not just on how hot candidates were, but on how hot they thought others were.

“If your local candidate votes ‘hot’ for an unattractive MP,” he asked, “how could you possibly expect them to represent your other views?”

“I am more than happy to go through each and every one of our current parliamentarians, rate them as hot or not, and have this placed on the public record.”

When a journalist present suggested that he not do this, Latham elected to ignore him and proceeded to alphabetically list MPs and his opinion of their sex appeal.

Breaking: Liberal campaigners decline to comment as Abbott receives 70,000 fake ‘hot’ votes overnight.

Scott recently graduated from the University of Melbourne with a Bachelor of Arts after completing high school in Singapore. He has written for Meanjin, Voiceworks, and The Punch, volunteered with the Oaktree Foundation and interned at Change.org. Scott has worked in a chocolate shop and a call centre, annoys his housemates with his mediocre cooking skills (tacos only), and his finest moment was playing a Jimi Hendrix solo behind his head. He can be found on Twitter here.