By KATHERINE COLLETTE

‘How was the birth?’

‘Epic.  I had a 24 hour labour!’

‘Oh, really?  I’d have killed for a 24 hour labour.  Mine went for 38 hours.’

‘24 hours of pushing, I mean.  There was another day, maybe two days, of just contractions.’

‘Yeah, that’s the same with me.  When I finally went in to the hospital I was already six centimeters dilated!’

‘Six?  I was sixteen!’

‘Really?  I didn’t know you could be sixteen centimeters dilated!’

‘I know.  I was so dilated they wanted to push parts of the baby back in.’

‘Wow.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Did it hurt?’

‘Nah.  I have a really high tolerance for pain.  And I meditate.  I just visualised a flower opening up by a river of love and breathed deeply to the tune of Kumbaya.’

‘I visualised a flower as well!’

‘My flower was a single, perfectly formed sunflower swaying gently in a field of uncut grass.’

‘Mine was a tulip that had been picked by a mythical orphan fairy that was the spirit of my unborn child.’

‘Awesome.  My sunflower was picked by an orphaned fairy too.’

‘I also had some laughing gas…’

‘Oh…’

‘…but it was organic.’

‘Oh, the organic gas is meant to be great.’

‘Yeah, the organic gas is great.  Even though it barely did anything.’

‘And are you breastfeeding?’

‘Of course!’

‘Me too.  I’m also pumping extra milk for starving babies in low socio-economic areas.’

‘Oh, that’s so altruistic of you.’

‘It’s to stop the cycle of poverty.’

‘Bravo, you!  It also helps lose the baby weight.’

‘Did you gain weight?  I didn’t gain a single kilo!’

‘I gained a kilo but lost it by the time I left the hospital.’

‘Uh-huh.  How much did Jasper Junior weigh?’

‘Thirteen pounds!  The nurse said he was the most well fed baby she’d ever seen!  I said “You don’t need to tell me!  I pushed him out!”.’

‘Really?  Matilda was ten pounds, with a large head.  Our nurse said she had the largest head she’d ever seen.  And she’s been working in the industry for thirty years!  Seen like a million babies.’

‘Wow.’

‘Yep.’

‘Jasper Junior has eleven dirty nappies a day.’

‘I’d kill for eleven dirty nappies!  Matilda has eleven before breakfast!  And she has breakfast at 4am!’

‘Wow.’

‘Yep.  She also poos on command.  Tilda, poo for Mummy.  Poo for Mummy…  She did it before.’

‘I believe you.  Are you using disposable nappies?’

‘No!’

‘Neither.  Ours are cloth.  They’re amazing!  They’re made from some special fabric…  I think it’s teflon.  Yeah, it’s teflon.  You?’

‘We’re using discarded waste products sourced from landfill.’

‘Oh?’

‘Yeah.  I stitch them together using old bits of tooth floss – not mine obviously!  Tooth floss has such a high carbon footprint.’

‘That’s so clever!’

‘Yeah.  I mean, it’s time consuming but I just really want to save the planet, you know?’

‘Oh, I know.’

‘Because the planet is worth it.’

‘Totally worth it…  Jasper Junior just started swimming lessons!’

‘Really?  You know Matilda was a water birth?  She was born swimming!’

‘Uh-huh.’

‘She’s really good.  In fact, I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but we saw a clairvoyant before the birth and she said… Matilda’s going to be an Olympian!’

‘Wow!’

‘And a model.’

‘A model!’

‘Yeah.’

‘That’s… surprising.’

‘She’s going to be an ethical model.  Like, a Plus Size, but a thinner version.’

‘Oh, that is such important work!  My eyes are tearing up.’

‘Yeah, it’s pretty moving.’

‘Oh.  Oh, yeah…’

‘…’

‘…’

‘So…  we better go.’

‘Uh-huh.’

Katherine Collette is a part time health freak and occasional yoga fanatic.  Her most prized possessions are a pair of furry koala salt and pepper shakers and a piece of butchers paper with Peter Andre’s autograph on it (c. 1992)…  she would be nothing without these items.  She believes hairdressers when they say the upkeep on a fringe is minimal and that this $42 gel will help.  See how that worked out on her blog: http://katherinecollette.com