7 questions for the "scientists" who linked sex before marriage to happiness.

By ALISSA WARREN

I’d like to suggest you take a seat. Because if you’ve had relations with a person who is not your husband, then you’re in for some very bad news.

You see, if you’ve slept with more than one man? Your marriage is actually doomed.

No, no. Please stop protesting. This isn’t a matter for debate. It’s fact. A fact discovered via extensive research conducted by America’s National Marriage Project. And it is this:

The more sexual encounters a woman has had, the less satisfied she will be in her marriage.

Oh, yes. According to the National Marriage Project, more than 50 per cent of married women who had only ever slept with their future husband felt “highly satisfied” in their marriage. This compared with a meagre 11 per cent of highly satisfied ladies, who had done the deed with more than 10 men.

Let me read between the very, very bold lines for you here. Why are the sexually experienced women apparently unhappy with their marriages? Because they know what they’ve got and they know what’s out there.

That is, the sexually experienced woman knows there are other libraries with better books. She knows there are other cows offering superior milk. She knows there are other bakeries cooking  fuller sausage rolls.

Know what I’m sayin’? Good, I’ll stop now because I’m out of terrible metaphors.

Now, I don’t know about you but my reaction to these findings – and that of other women in the office whose marriages are dooooooooomed – was confused. And through our confusion, we reached a state of general questioning. And those questions needs answers.

So here are seven questions for the National Marriage Project, on behalf of married women everywhere whose chances of happiness are apparently zilch.

1. Isn’t it just possible that the women who have only had sex with their husband might ALSO have dedicated a few years to extra-curricular research? They might not know what they’re missing from other men, but they sure as hell can compare what they married to their own expertise. (Or you know, they’ve watched porn…. or Game of Thrones).

2. And for the women who have had a bit of sex before getting hitched, wouldn’t that orgasmic satisfaction ultimately make them MORE satisfied when they meet ‘the one’?

3. Also – according to the research, the number of sexual partners a man has had has no bearing on how satisfied they felt within their marriage. What the what now? I call bullshit.

4. Your report says: “what you do before you say ‘I do’ seems to have a notable impact on your marital future. So decide wisely”. Now I’m confused, is this life advice or rigorous analysis of the data? My seventh grade maths teacher would question the integrity of your numbers…

5. The report says: “Many in Generation YOLO (you only live once) believe that what happens while you’re young won’t affect your future. But our research paints a different picture.” So if I am already married and reading this? Not helpful. NOT HELPFUL.

6. Since when is ‘satisfaction’ based primarily on sexual encounters? What happened to intellectual and emotional satisfaction?

7. Let’s break down the numbers. The study sampled 1,294 Americans over five years, in that time only 23 per cent of those who got married during the survey had sex solely with the person they married. Huh? Does that mean this survey is pretty much relying on the experiences of less than a third of the couples?

Enough. Enough. Enough. Enough.

And for those reading who’ve had more than one sexual partner, here’s some research we’ve done for you. You’ve had sex with more than one sexual partner.

Fact.

What do you think of the research? Are you married? Do you think the number of sexual partners you’ve had has had any effect on your marriage satisfaction?