Do not, under any circumstances whatsoever, take this sex test.

We all know those STI ads on the television. The ones that are all, “How many people have you REALLY slept with?”

Nobody likes to pay too much attention to those ads. Because, you know, we all know our numbers. We’re entirely aware of how many people we’ve slept with. It might be 2. It might be 12. It might be 25 (but not counting that guy in Spain because it was a different continent and he didn’t actually, er, climax anyway). It might be 200.

But then you start thinking about all the people who the people you’ve slept with have slept with. And THEN you start thinking about all the people who have slept with the people who the people you’ve slept with have slept with. (Confusing sentence of the year award, right there.)

And then your brain explodes and you start double-checking yourself for bumps/marks/warts/ANYTHING suspicious looking.

Well, goodbye brain explosion. Because here’s a test that will tell you exactly what THAT number is.

It’s called “Sex Degrees of Separation” (oh we do love a good pun) and calculates your indirect AND direct sexual partners by “going back six degrees of separation”. It’s run by online doctor Lloyds Pharmacy and is meant to “highlight how exposed you can be to STIs if you do not practice safe sex.”

So how does it work?

You just plug in your gender and the number of sexual partners you’ve had. And the approximate ages of each of those sexual partners. And hit enter.

(Interestingly, the calculator crashes if you say that you’ve had more than 50 partners, which is probably their casual way of telling you that you’re totally screwed. What a judgy-wudgy calculator.)

The resulting number can be anywhere from 0 to millions. MILLIONS.

Our honest opinion? Don’t do the test.

We all did it – out of curiousity – and then regretted it almost immediately. If you are healthy, happy and totally STI-free, remain in your calm state of blissful ignorance as to your true number of sex partners.