Dan Debuf recaps Game of Thrones: Season 5, episode 1.

SPOILER ALERT: Do not read until you’ve watched the episode. 

It’s here guys! Nerd Christmas! I even wrote you a carol!

This year the whole Game of Thrones launch has been spoiled a bit by some pirate leaking the first four episodes. While there is a temptation to fire up bit torrent and chain-smoke those bad boys like Netflix… The less people who watch it legally, the lower the viewing figures, and the less money the Iron Bank of Braavos (HBO) gives to David Benioff and DB Weiss for the next series. So unless you want clunky dragons: NO DOWNLOADSIES. Especially after that whole Dallas Buyers Club decision. Be like Davos Seaworth. Reformed pirates are cool.

Being a “celebrity” (listen to Dan and Maz weekdays on your favourite radio station plz, thx) I was lucky enough to watch this first episode at the Sydney Opera House – which was an epic situation made ever epicker (total word) by the presence of a GIANT DRAGON OUT THE FRONT.

What do we think of flashbacks? Normally this would have been an impassioned speech from Cersei, probably with wine glass in hand and one eyebrow raised. I, for one, welcome this new flashback technology. Imagine being able to see Ned and Robert Baratheon go to war against Rhaegar all those years ago.

Also it was a bit creepy seeing Jaime and Cersei back in the Sept. In a commitment to bold new discoveries in the art of messed up sex, this was where Jamie – I’ll say it – raped his sister. Easily the most messed up and ethically complex the show has been, and this is a show where a dude chops another dude’s willy off.

Thankfully they kept it chaste. These guys seem in a really bad place relationships-wise. How far they’ve come from sexy romps and attempted child murder in S01, E01. As a man in a loving relationship with a human woman, I know a bit about how ladies hint at gifts they want. And I feel like Cersei wants a certain dwarf’s head.

That dwarf however is on the other side of the Narrow Sea, hanging out with Varys, shacked up at what looks like prime honeymooning resort but is actually this guy’s mansion:

Remember him? That’s the same guy who Arya saw Varys secretly chatting to in series one! The same guy who hooked Danaerys up with Kahl Drogo! Intrigue!

Cut to Mereen – Dany is doing some epic re-modelling that makes The Block look like child’s play. We get some of our first boobs of the season (DRINK) and the Unsullied-who-I’ve-now-realised-is-not-Grey-Worm decides to pay a trip to the brothel, because everybody needs a bosom for a pillow – even if you’re like a Ken doll down there OH SHIT HE DEAD.

That must have been a damn good lullaby for old mate White Rat not to notice creepy mask dude.

There will be a ‘Game of Thrones’ film. We repeat, A ‘GAME OF THRONES’ FILM.

Meanwhile back at the Wall, Jon Snow is summoned to a meeting with Stannis by Melisandre – who seems to share the same stylist as Goth Sansa. Seems like OH&S is not a pressing concern that far North – “I am the one true king of Westeros! Now I am going to go and stand on a slippery surface 10,000 feet in the air with no hand rails! Bring me this guy of questionable loyalty I’ve just met!”. Not the best King behaviour, but hey, fantasy.

Speaking of Goth Sansa, she’s now hanging out with Littlefinger and Yohn Royce, aka Lord Ashfordly from Heartbeat:

Obscure British crime procedural knowledge FTW! If just one person gets that reference: worth it.

In another awesome display of DAMN YOU GAME OF THRONES, Brienne and Pod were literally METRES AWAY from Goth Sansa and The Finger themselves! What is Brienne going to do? Wander the countryside repeatedly missing Starks? Cheer up and realise how perfectly lovely Podrick is?

Also it was nice to see that the producers tackled the thorny issue of “how to we educate the viewers about Dorne, which will become increasingly important post-Oberyn Martell?” through the medium of gay nude scene. If there’s one thing that you can depend on Game of Thrones for, it’s seamlessly meshing plot heavy dialogue with steamy sex scenes. Geography has never been so full of butts.

The 12 things we REALLY want to happen on this season of Game of Thrones. No spoilers.

Also the more Lannisters that die, the more seem to spring up: we get Kevan and Lancel Lannister back, the former being Tywin’s absent-since-series-two brother, the latter now the Westerosi equivalent of a born again Christian, which in Game of Thrones means a much less nifty haircut, and a whole lot more moralising:

Before: 

After: 

The big doozy of the episode comes right at the end. With this season set to outpace and also flat out diverge from the books, even a book-reader like me is on guard for anything to happen. And it did. Mance Rayder is dead – shot, burned, and one can only assume, buried. Well I guess someone else is going to be the ruler of the Wildlings now! I vote crazy eyes Tormund.

I’ve got to say, if you have the opportunity to watch Game of Thrones in a giant loud, epic, world-famous cinema, I heartily endorse it. Hearing dragons roar in the Opera house is urine-drippingly terrifying, and you really haven’t lived until you watch a man almost burn to death on a giant cinema screen.

Shot through the heart. It really does seem to be the standard way for Wildlings near Jon Snow to die.

Too soon?

CLOSING THOUGHTS:

HOW COOL ARE DRAGONS? Seriously, this episode had the trifecta: death, sex, and dragons. I love dragons.

PREDICTING A CRAPPY TIME FOR CERSEI. Her relationship is at an all-time-low. This whole prophecy puts a pretty big question mark on the lifespan of her progeny. And now Lancel is back, brandishing all the goss he has on her (murderess, adulteress…). And we all know she deals well with a crisis.

Yikes.

SO WHERE IS ARYA? And Theon? And Hodor? And is the Hound dead? And where is Arya’s dire wolf? AND GENDRY! WHERE IS GENDRY! The answers will come in the following weeks I guess… but they WILL NOT be immediately watched in the next illegally downloaded episode. Right? Be a Stark, not a Bolton.

Dan Debuf is Hit 104.1 2DayFM’s breakfast co-host. Catch the show 6-9am weekdays (and 4-6pm national drive on Today’s hit network.)

What did you think about the first episode of Game of Thrones?