I wake up on Wednesdays with a pit in my stomach. I hear the alarm go off and I immediately become tearful. I hate Wednesdays.
Wednesday is the day that my kids go to their dad’s house until either Friday (which I can barely tolerate) or until Monday (which feels beyond awful). After divorce, there is no perfect custody arrangement, and this one was the product of careful deliberation and collaboration. I know that it’s in the best interests of my kids. My attempts at rationalisation, however, do nothing to temper the devastating heartbreak that I experience every Wednesday morning.
On Wednesday mornings I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I prepare pancakes and cornbread while crying in the kitchen. I hold the tears back when I wake the girls up and get them ready for the school bus. I know that Wednesdays are hard for them too. I hold them tight at the bus stop and soon as they get onto the 6:43am bus, I give them a big smile and a happy wave. I then walk back to my car and I just sob.
For five minutes, I feel shattered. I feel panicked when I think about my kids not coming home at the end of the day. I wonder if they will be ok in my absence. I feel like the worst mother in the world. And I feel like I don’t know who I am if they are not around.
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Fathers can love their kids the same as mothers but their brains are wired differently. They are better able to compartmentalise the different aspects to their life. In general, mothers define their identity by their kids which also explains why they feel at such a loss when the kid are gone. Studies have found that out of fathers, children and mothers, 50-50 custody benefits fathers the most.
My daughter is divorced with a 7 year old girl. Her Father was adopted, birth mother found and now my granddaughter has three sets of grandparents. Father has re-married to a woman who has two children from two different fathers (never married) - two step sisters! My daughter has a partner who has a child with a woman he never married. My daughter has her little one every second week. We hardly ever see our granddaughter, we live an hour away and she is so busy with all the added connections in her life. I miss her terribly!! I fear that all the added complications of step relations will have long lasting issues for her in regard to true family connections and her true heritage.