There is a thing called ‘cryptozoological erotica’.
I’m going to go ahead right now and tell you that this post is definitely NSFW. I know this because I did all the research at work, and shit got weird. Very weird.
Cryptozoological erotica is basically a romance genre for the ladies, but all the ‘men’ doing the romancing aren’t so much ‘men’ as they are ‘scary and bizarre weird animal-beast hybrids’.
Books like 50 Shades of Grey opened up a whole new world of erotic fiction for many women, and if you’re prepared to go down some very disturbing rabbit holes on Amazon, you’ll find yourself in the very bizarre universe of self-published cryptozoological e-books.
Basically, the whole vampire/werewolf trend has been taken an epic step further, and you can now find books where the ladies get freaky with all different kinds of mythological or ancient creatures.
Seriously, any weird creature that can be placed into an erotic scenario, is placed into an erotic scenario.
Some of the titles include (and yes, I read passages from every one of these and have provided some of my favourites):
Moan for Bigfoot: “From within the tufts of matted hair, the creature released a huge pale cock that defied logic.”
Mounted by a Monster: “His teeth grazed against my sensitive flesh. I wanted to blame the cold air on the hardening of my nipples, but I knew it was a lie I was telling myself. I’d never had a man suckle so roughly against my breast and it was turning me on.”
Dragon’s Lair: “That bulbous girth that dangled from his groin was bigger than any she’d had experiece with, and it was quite clearly not fully erect yet. It’s dark, ruddy shaft bulged with veins beneath a triangular tuft of red-gold pubic hair that extended musk.”
Alien Ecstacy: “Well, if they were going to probe me this I hope they didn’t stop short like they had last time. At least I should get a mindblowing orgasm out of it, right?”
Mounted by the Gryphon: “One Gryphon especially catches her eye. This Gryphon is bigger and somehow more handsome than the others.”
The titles may seem outrageous (and the idea of finding one particular gryphon more handsome than other gryphons definitely seems straight-up cray), but these books are HUGE on Amazon. Virgina Wade, the woman who writes the ‘Cum for Bigfoot’ series (including the aforementioned Moan for Bigfoot), rakes in around $30,000 from e-book sales every MONTH.
Considering these things generally sell for a few dollars a pop, that is a LOT of women getting their rocks off to some weird shit.
So where does the appeal come from? Are all women just secretly dreaming of stroking a dragon’s golden pubes?
I think, after reading way too much of this stuff, I can sort of, maybe, possibly understand why so many women are into it…
DON’T CLICK AWAY STAY WITH ME.
I think it’s just the 50 Shades bondage-type scenario amplified by 1 billion. Most of the creatures (most, not all) are half man/weird animal. All of them are dangerous (a lot like Edward was to Bella in Twilight), some of seem them evil (as most bad boys seem to be at first), and they all run almost purely on sexual instinct (Christian Grey anyone?). They also can’t be tamed – until the perfect woman comes along to tame them (Totally Pride and Prejudice/any female romance novel ever).
Also, mythical creatures almost always have massive dicks, so there’s that.
I’m not going to lie, I actually felt some tingles in my special place while reading some of this crap. But please don’t judge me! Your brain gets confused! There’s so much sex and touching and then you forget it’s weird and then you feel weird that you forgot it’s weird and then you just need to shut your computer and put some cold water on your face.
I highly recommend getting drunk with your girlfriends and reading one for general hilarity. I recommend Outer Space Tentacle Gangbang.
Anyway, I’m glad to have brought you another Weird Thing That Exists On The Internet. Here’s a gallery of some more subtle covers:
Comments? Tingles? Anyone?
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Rogue is Mamamia’s space for fun, viral and random content, with everything from feminism to pop culture. We scour the internet so you don’t have to, and bring all the best bits back.