"I just confronted my high school bully and all I got was this frustrating response."

Bullying is a weird word.

I think a lot of people who have been victims of social behaviour that makes them feel like absolute sh*t are reluctant to call it ‘bullying.’

Often, you’re not being publicly taunted, you’re not being physically hurt, you’re not being threatened, and there’s no overt aggression anyone else can identify.

Instead, it’s passive. It’s painfully subtle, it’s frustratingly camouflaged, and it makes you feel crazy.

When I was in early high school, I was ‘bullied.’ One girl in particular seemed intent on letting me know that a) everything I did was annoying, b) no one liked me and c) I was a loser. Luckily, I’m a twin, and since both my twin and I were the targets of all the smirks, cruel expressions, laughter and planned ostracism, we at least had each other. We could always validate that what we thought had happened had actually happened, and could empathise with each other’s pain and anger.

I vividly remember going to the movies at a shopping centre, and meeting up with our group of friends. This one girl (whom I’ll refer to as ‘S’), started to whisper and giggle and made a comment about our clothes being ugly. This was normal, so we just headed up to buy our tickets. But while we were standing there waiting, S counted down from three, and everyone ran away.

It was just my sister and I left, in the middle of the shopping centre, with no phones, no friends, and no idea what we were supposed to do.

Eventually we went to a pay phone and called our mum, who picked us up.

That was it. No one ever apologised. Back at school on Monday, S said it was meant to be funny and clearly we were unable to "take a joke."

Oh, oh. I can take a goddamn joke. You know what's funny? This dog who thinks a tree is just a really big stick:

You know what else is funny?

This meme:

It's funny because it takes you a second, and then you remember Stranger Things, and then you remember the character's name is Eleven, and then you laugh, because it's like you're partying an 11/10.

That's funny. Running away from people and leaving them feeling humiliated isn't funny.

Anyway, for some reason I've been thinking about the whole 'bullying' thing lately, and I decided that at 25, maybe it's time I confronted my high school bully. Maybe if I sent S a message, expressing how all those little acts made me feel, she'd understand, and apologise. Maybe there was something going on that I didn't know about. Maybe I misinterpreted what was happening.

So earlier this week, I did just that. I sent her a message. We haven't spoken in a long time, but I decided it was like ripping off a band aid - I just had to do it.

It's a little cringey reading my message back, but for some reason I started with, "Hiiiii, okay so this is super random but whatevs."

Eugh, Clare. Pls.

I explained to her that I often felt victimised by her, as though she was being mean or didn't like me very much or intentionally wanted to hurt my feelings. I gave her a few examples. I prefaced everything I said by assuring her I don't hold any grudges, and I think she's "supremely intelligent and funny."

This is why I get bullied. I'm a f**king pushover.

My message was relatively long. Say, ten lines.

Her response was three.

She said, "Sorry I'm not sure I can really help about Year 8 stuff, it was over a decade ago I can't even remember what subjects I did."

She did, however, assure me: "if I think of anything I'll let you know :)"

I didn't know how to feel at first. I started to think that maybe everything that happened had been in my head, and if she didn't even remember it, clearly it wasn't very important.

Maybe. But it's also likely that when you're the bully you don't remember what you said or did to other people. You weren't the one feeling hurt, or going home and crying to your mum. It probably wasn't a major phase in her life, like it was in mine.

A friend pointed out that if she had received a message from someone she went to school with, suggesting that she had been a bully, her first response would be to apologise for how she made that person feel. It wouldn't matter if she felt like she never did it, or thought the person was embellishing the truth, or thought it was weird that they were bringing it up a decade later. She'd apologise, because she'd be horrified to have ever made a person feel that way.

Despite the disappointing response, I'm okay, even if I wasn't when I was 14. I've met people who don't run away from me, or snigger behind my back, or tell me my boobs make me look fat, or convince my boyfriend to break up with me.

I didn't get an apology, and I don't think I ever will. But to be honest, I don't think I need one anymore.