Yes, well.
Over the weekend, I decided to try Beginning Boutique’s viral ‘clit hammock’ bikini bottoms and document it on the internet.
They’re the swimmers that inspired such iconic descriptions as “a room divider between beef curtains,” and warnings like, “if she sneezes she’s gonna lose those until her next smear”.
After seeing this gif posted below a photo of the bikini bottoms, I knew I had only one option.
I had to buy them.
For $39.
Plus $10 express shipping.
Approximately $49 of which I could not afford.
As soon as they arrived, I put them on and took a photo - realising immediately that I had incidentally just created a piece of pornography and it should definitely, without a doubt, never be shared with another human being as long as I live.
So I drew a vulva on a pair of nude stockings and 'demonstrated' the bikini bottoms that way.
You can find more photos that never should have been published on the internet here.
But when I came to work on Monday, my colleagues wanted... more.
They wanted to... see. Closer. In more detail. 'To what extent do they gape around your butthole?' they asked. 'Na legit, is there room for your flaps?' they wondered.
Everyone wanted to see my vagina and yeah it was confronting.
So, just like the award-winning journalists before me, who have put their bodies on the line in pursuit of the truth, I took my pants off, and filmed a highly comprehensive review of Beginning Boutique's bikini bottoms.
Could I be sued for workplace harassment? Yes.
Did a staff member walk past while we were filming, only to never be seen again? Also yes.
But do these bikini bottoms deserve some credit, for the amount of lols provided? No.
They get half a flap out of five vulvas - and that's only because one of my flaps quite enjoyed the breeze, thank you very much.
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