A lot of my patients get very anxious as Christmas approaches. As Christmas carols and tinsel escalate, so too does their anxiety. They dread the festive period for the “busyness”, the constant catch ups and Christmas parties.
But for many of my patients a lot of the fear comes from being lumped with their family for an extended period of time over the festive season – it’s often this that generates the most anxiety. They’re fearful of the dynamics between certain individuals, that they might offend someone they only see once a year at Christmas. Lots describe the pressure to please everyone – they drive between multiple destinations exhausted ensuring they see everyone (including those who they never see for the remaining 364 days of the year). Those who play host are exhausted by the flat-out shopping, pleasing, and providing.
Having now lived through several Christmases as a GP, I’ve learned that my patients feel quite guilty about their Christmas anxiety. But I have to tell you it’s all quite normal and there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for it all.
Dysfunction.
Dysfunction is a feature of every family – the only question is the degree to which it is present.
The families who claim to be completely functional, presenting a flawless facade to the world, are often the most dysfunctional of all. Don’t get me wrong, you can be a dysfunctional family and be quite healthy (that’s how I see my side of the extended family – FYI they have cleared this article), but the truth is that dysfunction exists in all family structures and trying to deny it often just makes it more pronounced.
Recently, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle tied the knot, and the world was quick to comment on the Markle family – the word “dysfunctional” was used as a constant descriptor. Yes, it was all a bit ugly – but let’s be honest, aren’t most families at times this dysfunctional? Don’t we all have moments when a family member does or says something and we cringe just a tiny bit inside? Personally, I’m grateful Samantha Markle isn’t my sister but whilst we were all rolling our eyes at the Markle family we were failing to appreciate that all our families might look a tiny bit kooky if we had to live out our day to day life in the media.
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Women somehow have become by default the main sufferers of Xmas dysfunction/meltdown. For some reason men seem to get to enjoy sitting on their backsides sucking on a beer and eating away and doing nothing to help while the women are expected to work themselves to death to "make their families happy" at Xmas. I object to this expectation that somehow I have to be responsible for making other people "happy" because sure as hell nobody in all these years in my family has made any effort to make me "happy" at Xmas. I loathe every minute of it; it happens at the end of the year when I am at my lowest ebb from working all year in a stressful job and running a family and a household and the added burden of the run up to Xmas, gift buying, food, cards, wrapping, cooking and social events I don't even want to be at wasting what little holiday time I get. I truthfully don't want to do any of it. The mother-in-law is a bullying monster; can't wait till she's dead and gone so I can obliterate her Xmas "traditions" and call a stop to any Xmas obligations and have the sort of Xmas I want - sitting on a beach with some fish and chips feeding the seagulls.
Just because a doctor sees dysfunction every day at work doesn’t mean it’s everywhere. Different families just function differently. Doesn’t mean there has to be something wrong with every one.