My child put me on "performance management".

What can I say? I have a hard boss to please.

I think I have been put on performance management.

I am yet to receive a written warning, but that’s only because the Worst Manager in the World doesn’t know how to write one. It seems like my micro-manager is micro-managing my every move.

It’s never happened to me before, but I imagine that this is what it feels like to be on performance management.

Maybe she has noticed a few things slipping due to my current sleep-deprived state (the Assistant Manager keeps me busy after hours), but it appears that lately, I cannot do anything without inciting the following kind of response from Management:

“What are you doing? Putting on the dishwash? I am gonna do that FOR YOU!”

Apparently, I am not to be trusted with running the ‘dishwash’ or any other household tasks. I am allowed to un-wrap the dishwasher tablet, but no more. I am certainly not permitted to press any on/off or function buttons. My idea that the dishwasher should be full when we run it is ridiculous and it is totally fine to run a load for three spoons and a pink plastic plate.

Evidently, I am allowed to empty the dishwasher without any assistance or supervision, as such tasks have been deemed by Management to be ‘boring’ and ‘not for kids’.

"What are you doing? Making coffee? I am gonna do that FOR YOU!"

These days, my coffee-pod machine and I have become very well-acquainted. The Worst Manager in the World at least doesn’t have a problem with me taking coffee ‘breaks’ but she does have a problem with how I select the pod and put it in the machine.

My stirring and pouring skills have also come under fire. If I make any attempt to use this machine, the Worst Manager in the World will be off to fetch her stool so she can reach the coffee machine. It appears that she has a stool just for this purpose. I can then look forward to a luke-warm coffee that has been stirred so thoroughly that most of it has spilled over on the bench.

To make matters worse, sometimes she makes me a de-caff. Ouch.

"What are you doing? Washing clothes? I am gonna do that FOR YOU!"

At least in this instance, I can be assured that every item of laundry will be thoroughly sprayed with Eucalyptus Sards whether it needs it or not. The laundry always smells nice too because Eucalyptus Sards is all over the floor.

I don’t think we really need to put the machine on for two bibs and a pair of Tinkerbell underpants, but what do I know? Management has however given me the ‘all-clear’ to fold and put away as much laundry as I like but reserves the right to remove most of it immediately in order to find ‘absolutely urgent’ spotty leggings.

"What are you doing? Changing his nappy? I am gonna do that … hang on … is it poos or wees?"

If it’s the latter, The Worst Manager in the World will ensure I have a fresh nappy and wipes in order to change the Assistant Manager and will also be on hand to supervise/argue that I am putting the nappy on backwards (I am not. At least I don’t think so).

But she is under no contractual obligation to ‘do’ poo-poo nappies. In fact, when this occurs, the Worst Manager in the World stands a safe distance away making helpful gagging noises and fanning herself. Or else she is mysteriously absent.

"I am gonna do that FOR YOU!"

These are the words that no employee parent of a three-year-old really wants to hear. It’s right up there with "Uh-oh" and "Look what I just broke". But for the three-year-old, even the most boring and mundane household tasks are sources of learning and wonder.

How great it must feel to them to be helping and contributing to the family. What a boost it must be to their confidence and development. Even if it does leave you feeling like you are on performance management and about to get the boot at any moment, in reality you are NEVER going to get the boot because they will NEVER find anyone else to do all these things.

Until such time as the Worst Manager and her Assistant can advise me in writing otherwise, I think my job is pretty safe. And by that time I’m sure both of them will be giving any household chores an extremely wide berth.

But in the meantime, occasionally, please just let me put the damn tablet in the ‘dishwash’ myself.

What would your child put you on "performance management" for?

This post was originally published here and is republished with full permission.

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