'I don't care if it burns me, I yearn for a Thermomix.'

I literally could not be more cliched if tried.

I live in the suburbs.

I have two kids.

I like to bake and knit and sew in my spare time.

I can throw back a white wine faster than you can say, “I only like Chardonnay if it’s off the oak.”

And I desperately desperately want a Thermomix. You could say, I’m burning for one, but it might be too soon for that joke.

Speaking of third degree burns and Thermomix and suburban cliches, there’s a wee bit of a kerfuffle over the German engineered kitchen voodoo machines.

But look what you can make with a thermie. YOU CAN COOK A WHOLE CHICKEN IN ONE. Post continues after video… 

Some of the older models have a faulty seal and have allegedly caused terrible burns when the lid has exploded off.

To add further fuel to the Thermomix fire, reports have suggested the manufacturer have refused to issue refunds unless owners sign confidentiality agreements – a gag order.

CHOICE, Australia’s consumer watchdog, have opened a case and plan to make a mass incident report to the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission. (Although, I can’t help but note that in an article in the December issue of their magazine, CHOICE did rate the Thermomix first for all-in-one kitchen machines. Hashtag JUST SAYING.)

Things are getting hot under the collar over at Vorwerk, we reckon.

But despite that, there is nothing that can extinguish the fire in my heart for a Thermomix.

Not the $2089 price tag. (Ouch)

Even Bachelor Tim loves a freakin’ Thermomix, guys. Post continues after video… (And if you’re a thermofreak like me, the whole video recipe is at the end of the post) 

Video by ThermomixAustralia

Not the fact that when I tried to buy one, my credit application got knocked back. (That really threw cold water on things.)

Not that fact that Thermomix sprang a new model on people with no warning and thermies with the old model lost their minds.

Not the faulty seal on the old model that is causing people serious burns.

Not the fact that Thermomix won’t issue refunds to injured people unless they sign gag orders (although, this is dicey – I mean, come on guys.)

Not the fact that my husband thinks it’s nothing more than a glorified mix master. (It’s not. It’s a complete kitchen appliance, Ian. GAWD.)

You can call me a thermofreak. I don’t care. I want to be like Rozanne from Biloela in Queensland who, on the Thermomix testimonial page says her Thermomix has been an absolute saviour. Rozanne’s Thermomix is practically Jesus. Shelley in Williamstown says hers is still a source of culinary inspiration, even after two whole years. There are marriages that don’t last that long. Fiona from East Perth says Thermomix is empowering. Yes! A Thermomix is the equivalent of a Kim Kardashian naked selfie to Fiona.

Thermomixes are the best. They can do everything except stir fry, and who needs to stir fry? That’s what Thai takeaway is for. They even wash themselves.

And as soon as I can scrape together the (TRUCKLOAD) of pennies, I’m buying one.

(Although, Thermomix, if you’re reading this, please send one to Lonsdale Street, Melbourne. I’ll be your best friend.)

As promised, here’s Bachie Tim’s chicken salad in a Thermomix. (YES, YOU CAN MAKE A SALAD IN A THERMOMIX!)