"It's okay, I didn't bond with my baby at birth either."

It doesn’t make you a bad mother.

I distinctly remember the lead up to the birth of my son. I’d seen the moment on movies, read about experiences from other mums. I was ready to be wrapped in love for my new little person and bond with my child instantly.

Except, it just didn’t happen.

It started when my birth plan went out the window. My son couldn’t have cared less if I wanted to bring him into the world surrounded by singing whales and incense. Rather, the only way he was getting out was via a c-section, which I really didn’t want. I had no choice. Before he was born I already felt like I had failed.

The first time I held him in the recovery ward I kept waiting for the wave of emotion to wash over me. The euphoric, all encompassing adoration that I’d heard all about. Except, it didn’t. The look in my husband’s eyes told me that he was feeling the exact way that I wanted to feel. So I pretended to feel the same.

The love didn't arrive the next day either, or the day after that. Of course I liked my newborn but I wasn't in adoration of him. He was demanding, he was difficult to feed and I just felt like I was letting him down at every single stage. My birth didn't go as planned and here I was in constant post operative pain wondering what the hell I'd got myself into.

As visitors flooded in to meet our new son, I feigned the love they all expected me to feel but inside I felt confused. I was sad and afraid that I would never love my child the way I wanted to, the way I was supposed to.  I was worried that people would judge me if I said how I was really feeling, so I put on a great act of a delighted new mother.

Going home wasn't much better. Looking back, I think I was discharged from the hospital too early. My baby wouldn't feed and after contacting every single service I could find, I'd sit alone in the dark with tears running down my face as I tried desperately to provide nourishment for the child staring at me.

It wasn't until my baby was about 5 week sold that the fog started to lift. I realised that other mothers were facing the same struggles I was and it made me feel a little less isolated. But being my first child, I assumed this was normal and that I just wasn't cut out for mothering.

My son is now almost four-years-old. To say I adore him is an understatement. He is simply the reason I breathe. I couldn't be without him and in many ways, although he will never know it, I am proud that he fought the battle with me.

I'm writing this because I want other new mothers (and mums to be) to know that whatever you feel after the birth of your child is okay. Some of us get to experience the wave of love and for some of us, it takes a while to come.

In most cases, the fog of new motherhood will lift. You will start to get the hang of things and you will once again, feel normal. If not, seek help. And the love, don't worry if it doesn't come all at once. I like to think that I had so much love for my son that my body just couldn't handle it all at once. It is so intense that I just needed time for it to absorb.

Did you love your child the minute they were born? Or did you take a while?

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