real life

Celeste Barber's guide to surviving Christmas: 'It's fun, but it's also a bag of d*cks.'

Bad Moms 2
Thanks to our brand partner, Bad Moms 2

There is no more room on the internet for another listicle about the umpteen things to do with leftover turkey. None.

Christmas is a hoot and all, but let’s be real. As actor/comedian/Instagram legend Celeste Barber says in our Christmas Hacks video above, it’s also “a bag of d*cks”.

You spend January to November fondly reminiscing about last year’s family Christmas dinner and how nice it was seeing Uncle Steve and the Joneses; how Cousin Ange drank too much brandy and dozed off on the couch before you could even serve up dessert.

Then December rolls around.

You spend four hours on a Tuesday night figuring out who is coming and how big a turkey you’ll need to order. Then you remember six family members are gluten-free and three more only eat meat if it’s been raised on a diet of organic grass and unicorn tears.

So you decide you’ll cook the standard turkey and also cater to all the vegos and gluten dodgers. Until you make a shopping list and realise the ingredients are going to cost more than a house deposit. But by that time, you’re three wines deep and this is a job for not now.

Image supplied.

Fast-forward two weeks. It's mid-December and you're googling something along the lines of How to feed a family of 34 for $6.40. And you begin getting flashbacks of how utterly shambolic last year's event actually was.


In the interest of surviving another Christmas without drinking and Xanaxing yourself into a stress-induced stupor, we've enlisted the stress-busting help of Celeste.

Here's what we've learned:

"Buy presents for other people that you want."

Teenage son stumping you on the gift front? Unisex bracelet.

Six-week-old daughter? Buy her a Fitbit you can use while holding her.

Same goes for all the crappy gifts that came your way last year. Send 'em right back where they came from. That way they can bathe in the disappointment you had to last year.

If you're too tight to buy presents, get the kids to make them.

Set 'em down with paint and 12 pieces of paper. Everyone in family gets a 'homemade card' (slap-dash handprints with some lead pencil writing).

When you hand these over to you nearest and dearest come Christmas time, no-one's going to say a thing. Because you see then they will look the fool, huffing and puffing over a rustic card full of love.

Money can't buy love, now can it.

When all else fails, fall ill.

While pretending you're sick is not honest per se, it's also not un-dishonest.

You worked bloody hard getting the kids to make those homemade cards, and if the energy and effort you put in has left your immune system vulnerable to nasty bacteria... well then that's beautiful that you sacrificed yourself in the interest of others.

If you pick a nice infectious disease to be ravaged by, you're set to establish a nice closed-door quarantine area in which you can have your very own Christmas celebration for one.

To be extra certain the kids don't walk in on you watching the Game of Thrones sex scenes in slow motion get sick, we recommend a good ol' fashioned padlock on the bedroom door.

So. If another year of slaving away in the kitchen and spending money on presents for people you don't really like has you recoiling, we present you with an alternative solution.

Christmas. The Celeste Barber way.

If you need more Christmas cheer done the bad way, see Bad Moms 2, in cinemas from November 2.


This content was created with thanks to our brand partner Bad Moms 2.

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