fashion

'I have a flat pancake bum, and I tried to find jeans that actually work on me.'

My name is Katie, and I'm a lifetime member of the flat-ass society.

Hi Katie.

For as long as I've had the ability to look at my rear in the mirror, I've known that there is precisely nothing to write home about back there.

No peachiness, no lift, no juicy little booty to help me look like anything other than an ironing board from behind.

Which is why I am on a mission, not to change the shape of my body by any drastic measures (because boo diet culture), but instead to outsource the work entirely to one pair of magical jeans.

Is it even possible? WHO KNOWS. But I'm willing to put my butt on the line to find out.

Watch: Mamamia Reviews Non Family Friendly Fashion. Post continues after video.


Video via Mamamia.

In order to get the best bang for my buck, I obviously googled really important things like: 'best bum jeans' and 'jeans for pancake asses'. And it led me to two important discoveries:

1. To achieve any kind of ass-lift, one must only buy jeans with butt pockets.

2. The internet believes that the best jeans that create a juicy peach have a literal star stretched across the crack.

...I'm not kidding. Here it is:

Absolutely not. Image: Mamamia + Stoned Immaculate. 

ADVERTISEMENT

So I aggressively ignored the second piece of advice and rolled with the first - while also keeping an eye out for any jeans online that proclaimed to offer 'lift' in the downstairs backroom.

The hit list that arrived from The Iconic (also known as my pen pal during Sydney's lockdown) included two blue and two black 'mum-style' jeans.

Let's put them on my body ASAP.

1. The Lee High Moms, $159.95, picked up in a size 14. 

First thing to note, these are the thinnest jeans I have ever held in my hands. And I don't mean that in leg-diameter, but in fabric. They literally feel like linen to touch, which is both confusing and leaves me with little to no optimism about the pants being able to both lift my ass and hold it up in a peachy fashion.

...and I'm not wrong. 

She's hopeful.  

ADVERTISEMENT

The jeans are extremely comfortable, and as I've been told through problematic magazines of time in memoriam, beauty is pain. And therefore comfortable jeans do not buildeth a butt. 

She is defeated. 


2. Abrand A '94 High Straight Jeans, $129.95, picked up in a size 32.

These were the 'fancy' jeans of the haul, being a brand that I've seen many a celebrity donning, and when I peeled them from their packet I gave out an audible 'ooft'.

They were of a thick, quality feel and the legs were LONG. Instantly I had visions of being the leggy, juicy bummed gal I've always dreamed of being.

And when I put them on and looked in the mirror, I felt that way too. Like, legit.

She's hopeful, again.  

ADVERTISEMENT

It made my legs look longer and even a bit regal (??) and I liked the way it sat on my body.

...but then I turned to the side.

THE PANCAKE HAS BEEN SHRUNKEN FURTHER?! 

Cruel wizardry. 

I didn't think it was physically possible to flatten my arse even more. But alas, this trouser-press of a pair of pants managed just that. 

3. Levi's Wedgie Straight Jeans, $139.95, picked up in a size 32.

The name that promised me the world.

ADVERTISEMENT

Because I'd take a semi-permanent wedgie if it meant I could have a butt. I really would.

So I pulled up the wedgie jeans and you know what? They didn't give me a damn wedgie. They gave me a wide flat arse that looked semi-decent from the side, but like a chopping board from the back.

Is the name... telling me fibs? 

RIP to my wedgie dreams.

Halp. 

ADVERTISEMENT

4. Cotton On Mom Jeans, $49.99, picked up in a size 14. 

As these were the cheapest of the bunch (and I've been known to turn to Cotton On in my time of jean-based-needs before), I wasn't anticipating anything groundbreaking with this pair. But I was hoping for a miracle, because I was four pairs deep and I needed there to be light at the end of the denim tunnel. 

...and, what's that I see? A tiny flame glowing? A little glimmer of a GREAT ARSE?!

Non-hate? I call that progress. 

Look, I know it's not a drastic booty-improvement, but I feel supported, lifted and ...like myself. These jeans fit me, are decent quality and make me kinda like what little I've got going on back there. 

SUCCESS?  

ADVERTISEMENT

So no, it's not a magical unicorn pair of jeans that lift, boost and plump up my lack of a bottom. But they are good jeans that fit my pancake arse.

And that, my flat-bottomed friends, will have to do. 

Read more jeans road tests: 

Feature Image: Supplied. 

We need you! Tell us about your skincare routine for a chance to win a $50 gift voucher. 

MMSurvey