Why didn't anyone tell us these before we became a parent?

From pregnancy to this very second.

1. How much it still hurts.

Obstetricians give a recommended rough guide of about six weeks post-bub for when your body should be ready for sexual intercourse.

Perhaps it was more mental than physical, but the thought of anything going up there after I saw the size of the salad-tong forceps used on me in the labour ward made me queezy. The only item I envisaged inserting into my unrecognisable-swollen no-go zone was a big lemonade icy-pole. One of my girlfriends even pointed out to me that I was tensing up and squeezing my legs tightly together whilst we were on my couch having a conversation about sex.

It’s true that every individual body will heal differently, but I honestly could not sit on the toilet for the first 8 weeks without feeling something. I walked round the hospital like I’d pushed an elephant out my bum, and I leant and sat on my right butt cheek for the first 2 weeks, at least. It may sound stupid, and when you think about giving birth it’s quite logical to know – but I HONESTLY never thought about how sore I would actually be afterwards so it was a nice big shock. I think I was concentrating on the labour and producing-a-healthy-bub side of things too much to have time to think about how I was going fit as many icepacks as I could in my undies at once. The old ‘put the icepack inside the pad’ trick worked wonders.

2. (a) Your baby body might just stick around for a while.

I’ll say it. I’ve always loved my abs. I may have received a Kim Kardashian booty and some serious G-cup boobs, but I was forever blessed with extremely strong abdominal muscles, therefore I strongly believed (hoped!) they would ping back to exactly how they were. HA HA. What a d*ckhead.

I know I’m only 16 weeks post-bub, and I’ve got a lot of work to do, yet you constantly see people proudly parading their mummy figures that have so quickly returned to normal. I’m not that person. I like to call it my ‘Bobby leftovers’.

No $200 recovery shorts that I religiously wore after giving birth made the slightest bit of difference, and for now I think only time and some serious exercise is going to be the only resolution. Maybe cut the choc chip ice-cream too, Sophie.

(b) How much I couldn’t give a sh*t!

I have gigantic-supersized-gives-brynne-edelsten-a-run-for-her-money-size boobs, and gravity sucks. I have stretch marks completely covering both of my hips, the inside my thighs & behind my knees (what!?!). I’m still 6kg above my starting weight, and I jiggle in places that definitely shouldn’t jiggle. But you know what, I’m a superwoman, I made a person. Take that.

3. No book can teach you how to be a mum.

Those people out there who write baby books must make an absolute f*cking fortune, because the first few days at home with Bobby I found myself flicking through page after page trying to find the answers to my five million questions. Yet, I sit here 16-weeks later and I already know where to find the answers – inside of myself.

Do you know how many times I’ve almost had to justify myself to people about why I do certain things in certain ways by saying ‘because it works best for us’?

Leading up to Bobby’s birth, and throughout my time in the hospital, I was continually told ‘swaddle your baby, swaddle your baby, keep him nice and snug, all babies like to be in tight’. My first few weeks at home proved that theory to be incorrect. I in fact had a baby that wanted to be free, and by putting him in a sleeping bag where his arms were able to move, I had a five week old baby sleeping 8 hours. Rare, yes…but it worked for Bobby. Oh and those experts who recommend not giving a baby a dummy until at least three months old…please!

4. I’m so in love.

One of my biggest fears throughout my pregnancy was how having a child was going to affect my relationship with Jaryd. I often wondered how the stress, sleep deprivation and the lack of time to put into our relationship would affect us as a couple. I also suffered some serious insecurities in relation to how I was going to look afterwards, and if Jaryd would still like me the way I was (*note: that was never Jaryd making me feel like this, rather my own insecurities).

Well, can I just say that if I ever felt like Jaryd loved me before, it’s now escalated by 100 levels. We have always had an amazing relationship, and now with Bobby, we’re just one big happy family. Jaryd and I are in such a good place. Every single day he makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, regardless of how I think my body looks. Mummy and Daddy are certainly having “cuddles” a lot.

5. Newborn clothes = waste of money.

We never found out the sex of our baby, so it was lots of fun to be able to pick out newborn clothes from both the boy and the girls section prior to Bobby arriving. All pregnant ladies/mummies out there will get me when I say I went CRAZY buying outfits. Why wouldn’t you? It’s such an exciting time, and to be able to create a style for your little one is something special. Bobby – at 4 months – is now really fun to dress. Yet, a newborn grows so fast that they are in and then out of clothes literally overnight. In hindsight, I bought some absolutely ridiculous newborn things that a fragile baby weighing a whole 4kg is never ever going to wear. A leather-look puffer vest in size 000 to engulf Bobby’s tiny head? Just no, Sophie.

6. Time will forever escape you.

Ok, so when people ask when we can catch up, it’s either a really spontaneous “now! I’m actually free right now! let’s go!” type of answer, or it’s a scheduled date and time that MUST BE abided by otherwise a SHIT LOAD of getting-baby-out-of-the-house preparation has occurred for no good reason. The reason being is because as a mum, you are always bloody running out of time to do the things you actually need to do, that when people cancel or alter your plans it’s literally life shattering.

My time management since becoming a mum has been nothing short of deplorable. When it comes to Bobby, I’m all over it. When it comes to myself, I’m a train wreck. No matter how many times I will write things in my diary, on my blackboard, set reminders on my phone, I always forget and next thing I know 2 weeks has passed and I still haven’t done it.

For e.g. a beauty salon will recommend you coming for to have your brazilian done every four weeks. Bobby is 16 weeks old and I am yet to be sculpted. Do the calculations. I don’t need a wax pot, I need a hedge trimmer.

7. People without kids really just don't get it.

They overstay their welcome at your house. They ask you to the movies for a 9.30 session on a Tuesday night. They invite you out during the day with no consideration for the fact in that time you have to feed, burp, change, change again (reflux baby), sleep, feed, change a poo and then put bub back to sleep again. They get ‘bub is going to sleep now’ confused with ‘please smother my baby’s face with kisses and hype them up some more’. They automatically don’t invite you somewhere because you have kids, you definitely can’t go.

99.9% of the time these people mean so well, but the poor darlings just simply don’t get it.

8. I look at my baby and could vomit.

You know when it feels like your throat is closing up, and if you don’t swallow, you won’t be able to breathe?

When you have those butterflies you get with your first true love, combined with a massive rush of adrenalin?

Put all of these feelings on steroids and you get how I feel every time Bobby smiles at me. I literally love him so f*cking much I could be sick.

I’m not saying it ‘surprises’ me that I love my son, I just never knew that this kind of love could possibly exist. When every single day, I fall 100 times more in love with him.

It could make me vomit, laugh, cry – every emotion in my body is now controlled by this chubby little man I call Bobby. And I have tears in my eyes as I write this, as I truly feel so blessed everyday that I was lucky enough to create – in my eyes – the most breathtaking specimen on the entire planet.

What's one thing that has surprised you about parenting?

This post was originally published on The Young Mummy and has been republished here with full permission.

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