Osher has made an error in judgement and we shan’t be covering for him any longer.
We haven’t wanted to say it, but it’s quite obviously wet season in Fiji. Also known as ‘typhoon season’.
We know this because we googled it – a precaution Osher clearly did not take.
We’re not mad. It’s just that we were promised paradise, and what we got was a bunch of drunk people on a holiday at the wrong time of the year.
Listen to the latest episode of Bach Chat with Michelle Andrews and Zara McDonald.
We begin with Lisa and Luke discussing last night’s rose ceremony on a revoltingly overcast beach. Lisa says she has no feelings for Michael which sounds like something she should probably tell Michael at some stage but okay.
It’s American Jared and someone gave him a date card to read out so he could feel included which was kind.
Eden gets the date and chooses to take Elora. They spend about three minutes sand surfing (?) on flat land before realising it’s not a thing and Osher just wanted to make use of two abandoned boogie boards he found by the side of the road.
Somehow sitting on second hand boogie boards, while simultaneously feeling terrified it's about to rain doesn't inspire lust in Elora and she just starts yelling at the camera, "I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO HIM."
Eden decides the best thing to do when a girl clearly doesn't like you is to throw food in their eyes and says: "At the end of the day who doesn't love a food fight?"
But also everyone.
But mostly Elora.
Meanwhile, Keira's telling people she's "internally grateful" that Luke kept her in paradise and why does everyone on this show always get all their words just a little bit wrong?
It's Apollo. And he tells us that everyone will remember him from the 'bread stick incident'.
Apollo. That is not why people remember you.
Leah is obviously drinking champagne even though it appears to be mid-morning, and as soon as Keira sees Apollo, she dashes off to put on a glittery halter-neck with flared jeans and heels. In the sand.
But there's a new and original plot point we never saw coming.
"He's 24, he's a kid," Jarrod says and yeah well he's 25 and a magician so we'd be careful if we were you.
Jarrod's decided he regrets his decision to give his rose to Simone because he's really in love with Keira.
We can't anymore so we won't.
Apollo takes Simone aside and we watch as she goes on a fascinating intellectual journey from a) believing you can ride sea turtles, b) believing sea turtles aren't real, to c) thinking all along that sea turtles were actually sea horses and how did you think Apollo would be able to ride one.
Simone's profound understanding of marine life ultimately wins over Apollo and he chooses to take her on his date.
Oh GOODNESS it's Elora and she's mad that Simone went and stole her Apollo while she was out hating Eden.
Elora takes Apollo away for a chat, and Simone randomly starts yelling about friendship and respect. Michael says, "I think Simone is just totally illogical" which seems like a pretty rude thing to say about someone who only just learnt sea turtles were real but okay.
Jarrod's completely unjustified hope for his relationship with Keira inspires him to
ask a random Fijian man to set up a blanket on the beach, and ask for a second chance. He's trying to be relaxed Jarrod. Cool Jarrod. The Jarrod that giggles and doesn't need a producer to follow him around begging that he put on a rash shirt and reapply his sunscreen.
But as soon as Keira mildly reciprocates his feelings, he says, "I now have a purpose in life again," and FFS JARROD WE CAN'T DO THIS. WE'VE DONE IT ALREADY.
It's time for Simone and Apollo's date and wot Osher has completely confused a date and a challenge. They have to kayak to weird balloons (why) and pick up bottles (wait, what) which have questions (not necessary) inside them, and the whole thing is far more difficult than is appropriate.
Eventually they're allowed to exit the kayak to have deep conversations about topics such as magic but also Elora - who explicitly asked Simone not to mention her.
When they return, Elora asks whether Simone did, in fact, talk about her to Apollo, and Simone is annoyed because she did but only to make Apollo think Elora was crazy. That is the only reason why.
Meanwhile, there is precisely one functional couple and yes it is Tara and Sam.
For most of this episode we thought Sam was a bizarre greenskeeper plowing the land, but it turns out he was building Tara a love hut to shield them from the rain THAT IS CONSTANT.
He tells her she makes him laugh so hard he pees even when he doesn't think he needs to and that's sweet but he should definitely get that checked out.
Tara suggests they sleep here tonight, and Sam responds "only if we want malaria", which appears to be a joke, until we hear Osher's panicked screams, "shit... shit. Shit."
No, he did not make anyone get their rejections for malaria. He was too busy inventing challenges that simply do not belong in this franchise.
There be whisperin'.
Apparently, Simone and Elora have some history, and Jake knows about it because of course he does.
Something about a guy who they both liked. But liked Simone. But that's not how Elora remembers it and OH GOODNESS DID WE JUST HEAR WHAT WE THINK WE JUST HEARD.
Because we're pretty sure Elora just said, ahem: "Had I had a problem with you f*cking Courtney on my couch, I'd have stopped it right away."
LIKE THE COURTNEY WHO WAS ON GEORGIA LOVE'S SEASON PLS. THAT ONE.
WE LOVE IT WHEN EVERYONE GETS PETTY.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
Read all our recaps, right here: