An open letter to Bachelor In Paradise’s Jarrod: A woman is not the front seat of a car.

Video via Channel 10

Hello, Jarrod.

Let me start this letter by saying I like you. You seem sweet and your pink-ish hue is rather nice.

However, and I think I speak on behalf of the women of Australia when I write this – you need to chill the eff out. Immediately. You also need a bit of a reality check. And maybe a mole check.

(I understand Bachelor In Paradise was filmed about five months ago, rendering my love advice in this article absolutely useless, but I have feelings and am certain you’re still a bit of a love noob, so … humour me.)

Tonight you were totally, completely, wholly over the line in expecting Keira to prioritise you over Random American Intruder Number 2. In demanding she prioritise you, and give you her undivided attention, you were being a bit of a douche.

Let me explain.

A post shared by Jarrod Woodgate (@jarrodwoodgate) on

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It all basically boils down to a very simple, very real fact: Unlike pot plants and sunscreen, women are not objects you can own.

They are human people. Human people who can speak to, date, and spend time with whoever they damn well bloody please.

This fact, coupled with the fact that you wanted to choose another woman over this woman precisely one episode ago equals = No.

No.

You see, Jarrod, in sheer nanoseconds of crowning a woman “yours”, you tend to get a bit possessive. A bit intense. A bit “I’ll cut the phalanges off any man who touches me lady.”

But Keira is not your lady. Not even a little bit. Mainly because you’ve done absolutely nothing to convince her that she should be your lady. 

Keira is not the front seat of a car. You can’t just “bags her”.

It… it doesn’t work like that.

Don’t get me wrong – you’re not the only dude guilty of mistaking a human woman for the front seat of an automobile. On tonight’s episode we literally saw Random American Intruder Number 2 look at Lisa, then at Luke, and LITERALLY SAY THE WORDS, “Oh, so this is yours?”

This.

Not “her”. Or “she”.

… this… is… yours…?

WHAT THE F*CK.

So, Jarrod. Next time you meet someone who makes you feel things in your special yogurt gun, have a think: Is this a human with agency and feelings and a functioning central nervous system, or is this the front seat of a transportation vehicle?

Important. Verrrrry important.

Listen to Zara McDonald and Michelle Andrews debrief the last episode of Bach In Paradise on Bach Chat below.

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